What is Wrong With Me Lately?

Ok, here's my rant from facebook - it's more appropriate here I think:

I have NO idea what is in style or even looks good on me anymore. Some days I miss maternity clothes lol everything looks cute with a baby bump.
I am in serious need of a makeover. I hate absolutely everything about the way I look. I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does.
I'd love to redo my wardrobe - everything I own is either ancient from college or a hand me down (which are stylish but not my color/size most of the time). But, I can't bare to spend any money on new clothes, it just seems silly when... my closet is overflowing. I really just need someone to help me put together some outfits that look good, then purge the rest of it. I also just need to grow out my hair again - I always forget how curly and awful it gets when it's short. Oh well. I recognize that what I look like really isn't important in the long run, but somehow when I don't look good I just feel 'off' somehow.

This is following a day where I just feel frumpy and ugly. It's probably just a result of wearing unflattering jeans and needing to get my haircut refreshed (angles look stupid when they get too long to tuck cutely behind the ears). But I'm also frustrated that I want new clothes that fit the body I have now but I'm too cheap (and ok my husband would kill me) to buy new clothes. And we ate really decadently this weekend (I had a huge Red Robin burger on Friday night, then we had company on Saturday night so I made lasagna and garlic bread and pie) so I'm feeling huge and swollen and uncomfortable and like an enormous blob, even though when I weighed in (with a full stomach and all my clothes on) this morning I was only 123.5. So I haven't really gained anything.

It's probably partly due to it being "that time" when I'm usually feeling gross and depressed anyway. But I've also found myself in all seriousness wishing I had the courage to make myself throw up. I can't seem to make myself starve anymore, so that sick part of my brain is looking for other options. I could never do it - the actual thought makes me shudder - but the fact that there's part of me that really wishes I could and thinks I'm weak because I can't just shows that I am seriously screwed up. And probably in need to some serious Bible time. It doesn't help that my husband (who can barely keep his pants up he's so skinny) complains all the time about being fat. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes me feel AWFUL! I keep thinking "wow, if you think you're fat, you must think I'm a disgusting hippo." Which of course he doesn't. He tells me I'm pretty sometimes - but I don't believe him. And sometimes I get the feeling that it grosses him out to see me eat. Which is ridiculous and all in my head -but I guess I needed to say it out loud to realize just how stupid it is.

Anyway, that's my struggle lately. That and wanting to bawl because I so desperately want to go for a run (or even do sit ups) during the day when I have energy but I can't because one baby is napping so I can't take them for a walk or if I lie down to do ab stuff I get two toddler sitting on my middle (and I'm just not buff enough yet to do my workout with all that extra weight). So when my workout is thwarted and I'm still eating like a cow my brain looks for any other option for not getting hideous and obese.

Bleh, ok, whine groan complain. I know that all that matters is that I'm kind to my husband and my kids and that I run my house well. But sometimes when I hate myself it gets me really down and then it's hard to be the woman I know I'm supposed to be. Maybe I need to copy out the Wife of Noble Character Proverb and post it somewhere. It doesn't say anywhere on there that she's gorgeous. In fact, the only beautiful women in the Bible (except Esther maybe?) are the 'stumbling blocks' for men - not good. It does say that she works hard and builds esteem for her family. So I know my goal - now I just need to rearrange my head and carry it out. Whew.

If you chat with me in person - give me a poke now and then and remind me what I'm really supposed to be working toward. Noble character and a healthy body. Yeah.

New Goal

I have a new healthy goal. I no longer want to be a waif (though sometimes I still want to cry when watching Star Trek) - but I want to get super fit. I've been envying people with visible muscles lately - especially in the arm/shoulder area. And I know for a fact that some of my posture/pain problems I've been having lately are due to the super weak abs I've been left with after 3 rapid-succession pregnancies. I want to gain more endurance and energy (not less, which is what happens when you starve yourself) so I can keep up with my kids and not fall into bed dead-tired every night. So it's time to up the cardio AND up the resistance, add in the sit-ups, and love those tricep-dips. If anyone has any great strength-training advice (esp how to do it without hitting the gym) let me know! Thanks :D

Looking Out, Not In

Sorry I've been MIA lately. It's really been more of the same. A few days of good eating, followed by a couple days of terrible eating (but oh. my. goodness. I discovered a pizza parlor that makes gluten free pizza. And not that fakey frozen stuff like Godfather's does. It's their usual pizza sauce, toppings and cheese on top of a crispy, thin crust. *drool*). I'm trying to balance things out. Our points system is frustrating because I rarely get any. It's also not very motivating. If I know I'm going to blow my points by having pizza that night, I have no motivation left NOT to finish off all the chocolate eggs in the freezer. Etc. So I'm trying to focus less on the points system and merely on eating well most of the time. Otherwise my cravings take absolute control of me and I go nuts. And I run the risk of missing out on key nutrients (I need a little meat for protein, dairy for calicum and grains other than rice - I'm just not cut out to be a vegan). ANYway, that's how things are going so far. I gained back a couple of those pounds I lost but they're slowly leaving again. My new goal for the moment is adding in some cardio - we're almost done with the basement, so the elliptical will be handy again. But I'd really love to get in some daytime walking since working out too close to bedtime keeps me awake.

So. To get to what this post is really about. I am, and always have been, the sort of person who gets dressed up to go to Walmart. Well, not really 'dressed up' perse - but I do make sure that I'm at least wearing jeans (instead of sweats) and jewelry and that my hair is presentable. I try only to wear gym clothes to the gym and if I can help it I wear makeup whenever I leave the house. But the other day I ran off to the library with the kids without putting on jewelry or checking my hair or wearing makeup. And I wasn't the least bit self conscious. Because I didn't notice until the car ride home. I was so busy getting kids buckled and keeping them from being run over and making sure they didn't tear up books or run into the parking lot that I wasn't paying any attention to myself or what other people might think of me. And it was really really nice. Frankly, I'm sure most people hardly notice me. After all, I can't tell you what the other moms there that day were (or were not) wearing. But I can tell you which ones let their kids run amok (namely myself). And I can tell you which ones were kind to their kids. And I can tell you how efficient the checkout guy was.

Lesson learned: how I look is not nearly as important as how I act. And if I leave the house looking sub-par, odds are I'll be the only one who notices (and maybe not even that). So if I want to get dressed up, or lose a few pounds, or wear lots of makeup or make sure my shoes match my clothes - bonus. But if I keep a little mommy-fluff, or run out of time to brush my hair, or can't find anything but bedroom slippers to wear on my feet - no one else is going to care! They only care that my kids are well behaved, that I'm courteous and timely and that I genuinely care if they've had a good day.

I need to focus out, not in. After all, as the adage goes, the best accessory is a smile :)

Epic Fail

The Big Diet was an awesome success. The week after The Big Diet was an epic fail. As I'd mentioned, we got hideously carried away and bought/made WAY more treats than we could possibly eat during our three hour splurge. The idea was that when we were finished eating, we'd freeze what we could and either give away or throw away the rest. Well - that's not what happened.

We had 3/4 of a cake left, a HUGE pile of macaroni, three candy bars, two bottles of soda, a bag of chips - I'm fairly sure there was more. And we ate it. All of it. We nibbled the cake till it was gone. We ate chips and ice cream and candy and soda while we watched Star Trek in the evening. I even cooked more pasta and ate lots of cereal because by day 3 I'd give up. I convinced myself that since my sister and her family were coming to town and I'd have less control over the menu (though they eat very healthily) and we were celebrating my nephew's birthday (with cake), I might as well just eat whatever I wanted all week, and start over on Tuesday.

BIG mistake. I feel awful. I'm bloated and sleepy and cranky and have gained back at least 3 of the 9.5 lbs I worked so hard to lose. My skin is raw and angry again and my tummy hurts a lot. So, today, I'm back to the diet. Mostly. I did make tuna salad for lunch, but we ate it on rice cakes with lots of veggies (and, ok, I admit to putting cream cheese in my corn...) I'm planning beans and rice and veggies for dinner - every night this week. And we've set up a new system for keeping on track.

Since we're no longer earning time for a splurge, we needed new motivation for eating clean. We've devised a new points system - 2 points for a perfect day, 1 point if we have minimal animal products, 0 points if we have sugar/pasta/junk. When we collectively earn 100 points, we can reward ourselves with a date night (one that hopefully doesn't involve Golden Corral or a similar pig-out :p). This will also help us regulate the frequency of date nights, as they're getting expensive now that we need a sitter.

So, another lesson learned the hard way. Lifestyle changes are hard to make, but we're getting there. I'm also considering switching to organic dairy and meat (for health and because it'll help me eat less of it) and maybe trying to buy organic for the 'dirty dozen' produce. And, we're nearly done with the basement, so hopefully we can plug the machines back in and break a sweat again (in the meantime, I need to make more of an effort to get in a walk in the evening). Two steps forward, one step back. At least I'm motivated to keep up the healthy eating - it really does make me feel SO much better :) Oh, and my sister taught me a couple of awesome recipes (lasagna and quiche) that substitute whole grain millet for pasta or crust - super yummy and much healthier!

As I'm continuing to tweak my menu and learn new recipes, I'll keep asking you all for your tips and advice. Do you have any great dairy-free (pasta-free) recipes you want to share? Anything vegan, raw, or vegetarian? Any super yummy whole-grain recipes? Any great smoothie or juice concoctions to pass along? I always appreciate any help I can get! You guys are great!

Biggest Loser and Super Sunday Splurge

Well - we made it through our 3 week crazy diet. And in general, I feel awesome! I'm definitely planning to continue trying to eat super clean and healthy at least 6/7 of the week. And the diet has paid off in weight loss, too! I had my final weigh-in for Biggest Loser on Sunday morning and I won! I'm down 9.5 lbs and up $60. Very nice :) I ate pretty well at Grandma's for lunch on Sunday as well, and then Sunday night was Super Splurge Sunday dinner!

My husband and I have been planning for and anticipating this meal for three weeks. And the longer we were on the diet, the more grandiose the meal became. At first, we were only going to have a few candy bars to break our diet. By Sunday night my menu included: homemade sherried caramelized-onion two cheese macaroni with hot dogs, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and vanilla ice cream, two pieces of artisan chocolate, and some rootbeer. My husband had lined up: two frozen pizzas, rootbeer, orange soda, a small sleeve powdered sugar donuts, oreos and kettle chips. Woah. We both wound up with about 2.5 hours to eat all our goodies (after all our 'cheat' time had been subtracted) and we were so excited! We had two episodes of Star Trek to watch and our huge pile of food to eat....

But a funny thing happens when you eat healthy, fiber filled food. Your stomach shrinks. You're eating well, so you don't need to eat as much. And eventually you can't eat as much if you try. I only used 29 minutes out of my 2.5 hours. I had one small plate of the incredibly rich macaroni, half a medium size piece of cake, a small scoop of ice cream and two glasses of rootbeer. Oh, and half of each piece of artisan chocolate. And I was miserably stuff. Not only that, but I was so used to eating fresh tasting foods that all those rich, sweet treats made me shiver. My husband managed to do a little better with his food (I think he finished the pizza and donuts, but most of the oreos are still standing and the chips are unopened). I was both very disappointed that my gorging was so short lived, and also pretty grateful that I wasn't so full of junk that I'd be miserable in the morning.

And I wasn't. I feel pretty good today, actually. I even had even recovered from the splurge enough by lunchtime that I finished the boys leftover mac'n'cheese and had a few more bites of cake (yeah, I justified the cheating by reminding myself that I used only 1/5 of my time last night...) And oddly enough, I actually feel like eating healthily this week. True, there's a little cheese and meat and pasta in the meals I planned -but just a little. And in general, I'm most excited about the snap peas and hummus in my fridge.

So was the crazy diet worth it, even though we didn't pig out like we expected? Totally! I feel healthy, I feel happy, and my pre-baby jeans are already loose! (I even managed to squeeze into a size 1 skirt yesterday - though it sat at my waist instead of my hips like it used to). I only have 12 more pounds to go until I hit my goal weight (I came in at 122 on Sunday) and I'm $60 richer to boot. Now I just can't wait for my hips to stop hurting (someone mentioned that relaxin from pregnancy stays in your system for months post-partum, foo) and for the basement to be finished (so I can get to my elliptical again) and I can start on the next part of my health-makeover plan: Getting in super cardio shape and toning up all these mushy muscles! Here's hoping that by next bikini season I don't have to hide under a cover- up.

Thanks again, everyone, for joining me on this journey - your feedback is always appreciated! :)

The Down Side

Ok, so I said I love how I feel when I'm on this healthy diet. And, in general, I do. But there can be too much of a good thing. There's a reason I gave up vegetarianism after 10 years. I was terrible at it. I ate pasta and bread and never got enough protein. When my husband and I first started going to the gym together regularly, I had good days where I could power through for an hour and burn 600+ calories - and then some days after 20 minutes I'd nearly black out or throw up or be dizzy for a half hour afterward. When I consulted my doctor she ran some blood tests and told me I was way low on protein - apparently my blood sugar was hitting the floor right after I'd eaten.

Well, last night when we went for our walk I got 2 miles in at a pretty good pace, then suddenly started feeling woozy, then nearly blacked out. Again. It happened a couple days earlier as well. And has been happening off and on since we started our diet. My conclusion is that I'm once again not getting enough protein and/or carbs to sustain an even blood-sugar level. Oops. We've only got one week of the diet left and even though we're going to attempt to keep going with a healthier eating routine when we're finished, I am definitely adding back in meats and dairy in moderation to help me stay balanced. I'm just not cut out to be a vegan (even though I was eating eggs) or even a vegetarian, although I do tend to eat a vegetarian diet 90% of the week. We'll keep cutting back on sugar and refined grains, and I'll use dairy and meat sparingly, but apparently I just can't live on fruits and veggies and rice alone. (And peanut butter - I've been eating a ton of peanut butter, which probably isn't super healthy or conducive to weight-loss).

Ah well. You live, you learn. I'm going to try to work in more protein this last week and after that, well, I'm really looking forward to getting my cheese back. :D

Love That Feeling

Ok, so I was going to write this post yesterday but Blogger has been down. Booo. Today is an aberration where I feel just awful! But, given that I almost blacked out walking 1.5 miles last night, I think I'm getting sick. I've felt hit-by-a-truck awful all day (cranky, shaky, queasy) BUT as I said, this isn't actually typical of how I've been feeling lately at all. Here's what I was going to say yesterday:

For the last 4 years, and especially the first 4 months postpartum this last time, I've been on a nasty blue streak. It got so bad toward the end of month 3 p.p. that I actually considered seeking out counseling. But just as I was making up my mind to make the call, I snapped out of it. Just like that. I partly blame all that depression on the crazy roller-coaster I put my hormones on having 3 babies in 3 years. I never gave myself time to re-balance and fully heal before I was pregnant again. Not to mention the fact that I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept through the night in the last 4 years. Add that all up and you get one doozy of a bad mood.

I'm sure, though, that a large contributing factor to my awful moods was my health - particularly my diet. I was one of those silly pregnant women who used my growing bump as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. "Oh, no one will notice the extra pounds," I'd tell myself. "Besides, I'm eating for two." When I should have been eating even cleaner to give my babies the best nutrients possible and fuel my body for one heckuva long journey, I was stuffing it full of chocolate and ice cream and other comfort foods to combat the hideous fatigue I felt while growing one baby and simultaneously chasing another. By the end of pregnancy #3 I was 60 lbs heavier than pre-kids (and only about 12 of that was baby and accompanying stuff) and just the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was exhausting enough to make me cry.

Well, right around the 4 month mark, I decided that it was time to lose the weight and start eating better. And for the most part, I did. And *surprise* that's about the time I started to feel happier, too. I don't think it really hit home for me, though, till we started our big diet 2 weeks ago. Suddenly I was joyful in the morning. I felt energized despite the lack of sleep (and didn't even crave the chocolate to get me through the day anymore). And I was soooo much calmer and more relaxed with the kids. Not to mention that despite the fact that I have 13 lbs till I hit my goal weight, I finally finally kinda feel pretty again. It's silly that I need to 'feel pretty' to be confident again (and, frankly, I don't know if it's feeling good about how I look that makes me feel happy, or if happiness and thinness are both just products of being healthier), but it helps.

Maybe I can just say that I feel more 'normal' lately - I feel like 'myself' again which I haven't in a long long time. I've even found myself getting back into music I used to like and watching old tv shows I used to like and occasionally get a glimpse of who I am as a single entity instead of being stuck in 'wife mother super busy housekeeper who am I again" mode constantly. We'll just say that I feel balanced. And blessed. Even when my kids are grinding watermelon into the carpet or getting into (joyful) screaming matches or pelting me with Hotwheels. I still want to pause time right here and savor the moment. Which, considering that very recently I was counting the days till the baby started pre-school, is a HUGE step for me.

I'll confess - today I did some yelling. Today I was cranky. Today I didn't eat quite as well as I should have. But, today I am sick. In general, I am feeling really, truly amazing and I am so grateful. I LOVE this feeling and I am thanking God every day for restoring it. And I'm praying that I use it productively - to motivate myself to continue this healthy lifestyle - to use my extra energy playing with my kids - to really take the time to savor the moment. Because before I know it, baby girl WILL be in pre-school and I know I will miss all the chaos. At least, I'll miss this kind of chaos :)

Sorry for all the rambling. I guess it's just my roundabout way of saying that I'm finally learning that if I take care of myself first, I'll be so much better able to take care of everyone else. Here's hoping I can keep it up! Because this is so great!