I would be a lot thinner if I tried on clothes in a dressing room more often. I've mentioned before that I think I have a 'skinny mirror' in my bedroom. I look great in that mirror every morning - then I see myself in a window or mirror in public and don't even recognize my chubby self. It's frightening.
Today, I finally broke down and bought new underwear. I hadn't bought any in over 3 years (before I had kids) aside from a pack of cheap Walmart cotton undies which are hardly flattering. Target, however, is selling some super cute coordinating sets. I was in a huge hurry because I had 20 minutes to pick things out and try them on before I had to rush off to the doctor, but I filled up my cart with what I thought was my size and ran to the dressing room to try things on.
The good news - I fit into the smallest size I selected. The bad news - not only did Target not have 'skinny mirrors,' they had wrap-around mirrors. Meaning I could see all the chub on every side clear as day. Since I was 105 lbs the last time I tried on undies, I was used to seeing myself look cute and trim in cute underthings. Not this time. All I saw was chub here and jiggle there and that 'mommy belly' staring right back at me. Ewwwww. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go run 10 miles. I wished I could un-eat the piece of cake I chased my yogurt with at breakfast (thankfully the cake is all gone now). But it did give me more resolve.
However I may feel, and whatever the scale says, I am NOT thin. Moreover, I am definitely NOT toned. I can't actually get away with eating a candy bar or dessert every day. I can't eat off of brimming regular sized plates. I can't sit around and blog or nap or read or otherwise be lazy during naptime when I need to be on my elliptical or (especially!!) doing strength moves to get my muscles back.
I miss going to the store and being excited to try clothes on because they actually looked cute in the mirror. I miss knowing what size I wear. I miss going to the beach without terror of being seen in a swimsuit. I miss looking in the mirror without being sad. I miss being strong. I miss being able to run around all day without getting tired, lifting heavy items without wanting to die, standing up straight because my abs could hold me up.
I'm considering this a wake up call. I have them all the time and they last all of 2 or 3 days on average. But this time I have a secret weapon. Any time I'm getting too complacent about my weight or my appearance - I'll hit the dressing room. I'll try on a swimsuit or a new bra. And if I want to cry, it's time to hit the pavement and log some miles.
It's all about perspective and today I got a healthy dose. At least I learned!