I had a bit of a Facebook argument this morning. Those of you who know me at all know that I have no censorship of myself when it comes to Facebook. If I think it or feel it, it's out there for all 200+ of my friends (or acquaintances, or people who just hit "add") to see. And, as usual when I'm feeling bad about myself, I posted another flip message about losing weight (or, rather, how losing weight won't make me happier - right?) And my friend, who is a personal trainer and nutritionist and a total inspiration health-wise, totally called me on it. In short, she told me to quit whining and focus on being healthy and in shape (because the Hollywood starlet diet is not advantageous for growing muscle, and this negative, self-hating anorexia talk is really going to screw up my daughter some day). And she's right. If I'm having "issues," I need to see a therapist, or, at the very least, keep it a private conversation between myself and one of my "support group" of formerly anorexic friends. I don't need to trip up or drag down anyone else with my own neuroses.
That being said, I think my issue at the moment isn't so much that I want to "get really skinny," because I don't. I'm not looking to be Angelina thin. I want to be "chick on the cover of my Shape magazine" toned. But I'm frustrated. Really frustrated with where I am right now.
Before I list off all my frustrations, I want to list the blessings of which I try to remind myself each day.
1) I am a lot healthier now than I have been in a long time. I wake up every morning generally pain free. I have the use of all my limbs and all 5 senses. I have energy and I'm usually not sick. I've resolved or at least diagnosed some of the issues that bothered me in the past (i.e. food allergy, skin issue, etc). My body works in all the ways it's supposed to, and I am so grateful for that.
2) I have 3 kids who love me and keep me super busy. They want my attention and want to be with me 24/7.
3) I have a husband who likes to hang out with me, and who thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. If he wishes I were still my college weight, he wisely doesn't say so :p
4) I enjoy life. I enjoy food. I enjoy my activities. I'm even enjoying this cold, snowy morning.
But here's what's frustrating me:
1) I want to be more active, but I just can't seem to make it work. Part of the reason I'm so frustrated with the shape my body is in, is because I can't properly celebrate it the way I want to. If I want to work out, my options are doing the elliptical or situps while the kids nap (or first thing in the morning), or going for a walk/run after the kids are in bed. Sure, those get me in shape, but they don't make me love my body and what it can do. I want to dance! I want to run around the farm with my kids and wear myself out playing tag and chasing a ball. I want to splash around in the pool in the summer and not want to die because someone will see me in a swimsuit. I want to work out mid-morning when I'm really feeling energized instead of forcing myself through it when I'm exhausted. But we don't live on the farm and I can't find a dance class and I don't have time to go to the Y, so I have to plug away on the machines alone when I'm wiped out and I hate that - so I don't do it.
2) I want to cut the junk out of my diet. I hate that I not only eat candy all the time and bake whenever I feel like it, but that I keep on buying the flour and sugar and chocolate every time I'm at the store. I plan all these healthy dinners, and then chase them with biscuits or chocolate cake. Of course I'm not losing the weight.
3) I talk too much about being fat around my kids. I don't want them to grow up hating themselves and the beautiful bodies God has given them the way I did. I want them to celebrate themselves and celebrate the things their bodies can do for them. If my daughter ever complains about being fat, I'm going to look at her and say "honey, you are gorgeous just like you are. Would you like to join me for a run/walk/swim/dance class?" I want to teach my kids to be healthy and take care of themselves, and then love whatever shape that makes them.
That's where I am right now. If I say "I'm so fat" what I really mean is "I'm so frustrated." I'm working on these issues - I'm looking for a dance class, I'm trying to squeeze in the toning while the kids are playing around me, I'm trying super hard not to buy the junk in the first place. But in the meantime, I'm just going to struggle with the emotional stuff.
I have learned, however, where that emotional stuff belongs. It belongs here, it belongs in my head, or it belongs in confidence between myself and the small group of friends who have said "I get you, I'm here for you, I love you."