Tuesday, April 8, 2014

This Is How It Feels

One of my biggest challenges on this journey is disconnecting my emotions from fitness and diet.  I use food for comfort.  I use food for control.  I closely connect my self worth with whether or not I feel fat, whether I can see my ribs, whether I can fit in a certain dress.  I've trained myself to think about food in unhealthy ways.  Maybe I can explain why food is so difficult for me.

This Is How It Feels When I Restrict

I feel sleek.  I feel empty and thin.  Feeling like a breeze could carry me away is empowering.  I feel like if I try hard enough and restrict enough, I could simply disappear.  And usually, when I drop below 1000 calories, that's exactly what I want to do.  Disappear.  Conversely, I feel fearless.  I feel like I could wear anything and look great.  I feel like I could turn heads if I wanted to.  For the first two or three days my body feels amazing and I feel energized.  More than three days, and I get hungry, cranky, achy and tired.  

But when I restrict I feel like I could wear this in public and not be ashamed.  

This Is How It Feels When I Eat

I feel guilty.  I feel bloated and fat.  My stomach hurts and I feel constantly full, even when hungry.  I give in to cravings and feel guilty.  I feel out of control.  Even when I remain in my calorie range, I feel like I'm overindulging.  BUT I have energy.  And patience.  And I can lift and set PRs and I feel strong.  And strong is my goal.  So I'm going to have to retrain myself to desire strong over sleek.  To eat even when I feel guilty and fat and sad.  Just because I feel it doesn't mean I have to act on it.  And that is a lesson I'm still trying to learn.  

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