This Is How It Feels

One of my biggest challenges on this journey is disconnecting my emotions from fitness and diet.  I use food for comfort.  I use food for control.  I closely connect my self worth with whether or not I feel fat, whether I can see my ribs, whether I can fit in a certain dress.  I've trained myself to think about food in unhealthy ways.  Maybe I can explain why food is so difficult for me.

This Is How It Feels When I Restrict

I feel sleek.  I feel empty and thin.  Feeling like a breeze could carry me away is empowering.  I feel like if I try hard enough and restrict enough, I could simply disappear.  And usually, when I drop below 1000 calories, that's exactly what I want to do.  Disappear.  Conversely, I feel fearless.  I feel like I could wear anything and look great.  I feel like I could turn heads if I wanted to.  For the first two or three days my body feels amazing and I feel energized.  More than three days, and I get hungry, cranky, achy and tired.  

But when I restrict I feel like I could wear this in public and not be ashamed.  

This Is How It Feels When I Eat

I feel guilty.  I feel bloated and fat.  My stomach hurts and I feel constantly full, even when hungry.  I give in to cravings and feel guilty.  I feel out of control.  Even when I remain in my calorie range, I feel like I'm overindulging.  BUT I have energy.  And patience.  And I can lift and set PRs and I feel strong.  And strong is my goal.  So I'm going to have to retrain myself to desire strong over sleek.  To eat even when I feel guilty and fat and sad.  Just because I feel it doesn't mean I have to act on it.  And that is a lesson I'm still trying to learn.  

Ups and Downs

It was a bad weekend, I'll be honest.  I dropped under 1000 calories because I was sad, and when I'm stressed and sad, I restrict.  And frankly, that sleek, empty feeling I get when I'm heavy restricting feels good.  BUT the things that were stressing me out are over with and I'm back to sticking to my 1450 calories.  

SO here's an update on the goals I posted last week:


1) Start the bodyweight section of Strong Curves 
I love this program.  I've had to modify it a bit to match the equipment I have at home (dumbbells, a dining table, step stool, etc) but it's mostly comprised of lifts I was already doing - just limits me to a sane number of reps/sets and mixes things up nicely so I don't overdo any one lift during the week.  My glutes and hamstrings are definitely feeling it.  Oh, AND I got a PR on my shoulder press today.  I'm still stuck at 20 lb dumbbells but I can do more reps for more sets at my max weight so that's a thrill.  

2) Run in the evenings
Nope.  Not happening.  There just isn't time.  After supper I've got to wash dishes, and set things up for the next day, then hubby takes his run while I put the kids to bed and by then it's dark and I'm exhausted.  I'm hoping to put in laps while the kids play outside now that the weather is improving.  We'll see.  

3) Limit treats to 2-3 squares of dark chocolate/day
Hah!  nope.  I went on a brownie bite binge while I was sad.  Brownies are gone but I'm still eating closer to 6 squares of chocolate daily.  Room to grow.  

4) Weed out my closet 
I went through all my spring clothes.  It was really depressing.  Nothing fits like it used to.  I've done enough floor presses to grow my chest such that it just looks awkward in my old dresses.  I pulled everything that looked weird and put it in a donation pile.  Ideally I'll be living in gym clothes and swimsuits all summer anyway, so - I guess it's not such a loss.  

5) Stick to my macros
Aside from my crazy low cal days - this actually went well.  Haven't gone over on cals even while brownie binging.  Macros are a mess, but what's new?

6) NOT OBSESS
I haven't been obsessing about workouts.  I'm not trying to win my duel with crazy workouts.  I'm doing what's on the page, plus a burpee challenge, and that's it.  The food and the body image - those are harder to not obsess about.  

Goals for this week:

1) Add cardio
I'd love to add some Zumba (on youtube, no time for classes) in between lifting days, and I need to put some yoga in before bed (and maybe in the morning) every day - lifting makes me really tight.  These are harder things to do because the kids can't be watching tv while I Zumba and that's usually how I sneak in my workout so - we'll see!

2) Keep scaling back the sugar and carbs
I just feel better when I don't eat as much junk.  But I looooooove my treats.

3) Eat more protein
Somehow.  Some way.  Get creative and make it palatable.  Get those macros in check.

4) Be more intentional
Plan when I'm going to do my workouts and not get distracted so I can get them done and get back to real life.  Focus on one thing at a time so that I get it all done.  Plan what I'm eating and eat what I've planned.  If I feel fat, be extra vigilant with food and movement.  Or focus on doing something for someone else instead of lamenting a poochy tummy.  Get over it already.

Quick progress pic - was feeling proud of my mini calluses and slowly growing shoulders today:

Oh, and current stats:

Weight: 110
Hips: 34.5 (-.5")
Waist: 27.5 (-.5")
Bust: 32.5 (-.5")
Arms: 11 (-.5")
Legs: 18

Must be wearing tighter clothes this week - not sure how I feel about arms getting smaller - grow guns grow!