What is Wrong With Me Lately?

Ok, here's my rant from facebook - it's more appropriate here I think:

I have NO idea what is in style or even looks good on me anymore. Some days I miss maternity clothes lol everything looks cute with a baby bump.
I am in serious need of a makeover. I hate absolutely everything about the way I look. I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does.
I'd love to redo my wardrobe - everything I own is either ancient from college or a hand me down (which are stylish but not my color/size most of the time). But, I can't bare to spend any money on new clothes, it just seems silly when... my closet is overflowing. I really just need someone to help me put together some outfits that look good, then purge the rest of it. I also just need to grow out my hair again - I always forget how curly and awful it gets when it's short. Oh well. I recognize that what I look like really isn't important in the long run, but somehow when I don't look good I just feel 'off' somehow.

This is following a day where I just feel frumpy and ugly. It's probably just a result of wearing unflattering jeans and needing to get my haircut refreshed (angles look stupid when they get too long to tuck cutely behind the ears). But I'm also frustrated that I want new clothes that fit the body I have now but I'm too cheap (and ok my husband would kill me) to buy new clothes. And we ate really decadently this weekend (I had a huge Red Robin burger on Friday night, then we had company on Saturday night so I made lasagna and garlic bread and pie) so I'm feeling huge and swollen and uncomfortable and like an enormous blob, even though when I weighed in (with a full stomach and all my clothes on) this morning I was only 123.5. So I haven't really gained anything.

It's probably partly due to it being "that time" when I'm usually feeling gross and depressed anyway. But I've also found myself in all seriousness wishing I had the courage to make myself throw up. I can't seem to make myself starve anymore, so that sick part of my brain is looking for other options. I could never do it - the actual thought makes me shudder - but the fact that there's part of me that really wishes I could and thinks I'm weak because I can't just shows that I am seriously screwed up. And probably in need to some serious Bible time. It doesn't help that my husband (who can barely keep his pants up he's so skinny) complains all the time about being fat. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes me feel AWFUL! I keep thinking "wow, if you think you're fat, you must think I'm a disgusting hippo." Which of course he doesn't. He tells me I'm pretty sometimes - but I don't believe him. And sometimes I get the feeling that it grosses him out to see me eat. Which is ridiculous and all in my head -but I guess I needed to say it out loud to realize just how stupid it is.

Anyway, that's my struggle lately. That and wanting to bawl because I so desperately want to go for a run (or even do sit ups) during the day when I have energy but I can't because one baby is napping so I can't take them for a walk or if I lie down to do ab stuff I get two toddler sitting on my middle (and I'm just not buff enough yet to do my workout with all that extra weight). So when my workout is thwarted and I'm still eating like a cow my brain looks for any other option for not getting hideous and obese.

Bleh, ok, whine groan complain. I know that all that matters is that I'm kind to my husband and my kids and that I run my house well. But sometimes when I hate myself it gets me really down and then it's hard to be the woman I know I'm supposed to be. Maybe I need to copy out the Wife of Noble Character Proverb and post it somewhere. It doesn't say anywhere on there that she's gorgeous. In fact, the only beautiful women in the Bible (except Esther maybe?) are the 'stumbling blocks' for men - not good. It does say that she works hard and builds esteem for her family. So I know my goal - now I just need to rearrange my head and carry it out. Whew.

If you chat with me in person - give me a poke now and then and remind me what I'm really supposed to be working toward. Noble character and a healthy body. Yeah.

New Goal

I have a new healthy goal. I no longer want to be a waif (though sometimes I still want to cry when watching Star Trek) - but I want to get super fit. I've been envying people with visible muscles lately - especially in the arm/shoulder area. And I know for a fact that some of my posture/pain problems I've been having lately are due to the super weak abs I've been left with after 3 rapid-succession pregnancies. I want to gain more endurance and energy (not less, which is what happens when you starve yourself) so I can keep up with my kids and not fall into bed dead-tired every night. So it's time to up the cardio AND up the resistance, add in the sit-ups, and love those tricep-dips. If anyone has any great strength-training advice (esp how to do it without hitting the gym) let me know! Thanks :D

Looking Out, Not In

Sorry I've been MIA lately. It's really been more of the same. A few days of good eating, followed by a couple days of terrible eating (but oh. my. goodness. I discovered a pizza parlor that makes gluten free pizza. And not that fakey frozen stuff like Godfather's does. It's their usual pizza sauce, toppings and cheese on top of a crispy, thin crust. *drool*). I'm trying to balance things out. Our points system is frustrating because I rarely get any. It's also not very motivating. If I know I'm going to blow my points by having pizza that night, I have no motivation left NOT to finish off all the chocolate eggs in the freezer. Etc. So I'm trying to focus less on the points system and merely on eating well most of the time. Otherwise my cravings take absolute control of me and I go nuts. And I run the risk of missing out on key nutrients (I need a little meat for protein, dairy for calicum and grains other than rice - I'm just not cut out to be a vegan). ANYway, that's how things are going so far. I gained back a couple of those pounds I lost but they're slowly leaving again. My new goal for the moment is adding in some cardio - we're almost done with the basement, so the elliptical will be handy again. But I'd really love to get in some daytime walking since working out too close to bedtime keeps me awake.

So. To get to what this post is really about. I am, and always have been, the sort of person who gets dressed up to go to Walmart. Well, not really 'dressed up' perse - but I do make sure that I'm at least wearing jeans (instead of sweats) and jewelry and that my hair is presentable. I try only to wear gym clothes to the gym and if I can help it I wear makeup whenever I leave the house. But the other day I ran off to the library with the kids without putting on jewelry or checking my hair or wearing makeup. And I wasn't the least bit self conscious. Because I didn't notice until the car ride home. I was so busy getting kids buckled and keeping them from being run over and making sure they didn't tear up books or run into the parking lot that I wasn't paying any attention to myself or what other people might think of me. And it was really really nice. Frankly, I'm sure most people hardly notice me. After all, I can't tell you what the other moms there that day were (or were not) wearing. But I can tell you which ones let their kids run amok (namely myself). And I can tell you which ones were kind to their kids. And I can tell you how efficient the checkout guy was.

Lesson learned: how I look is not nearly as important as how I act. And if I leave the house looking sub-par, odds are I'll be the only one who notices (and maybe not even that). So if I want to get dressed up, or lose a few pounds, or wear lots of makeup or make sure my shoes match my clothes - bonus. But if I keep a little mommy-fluff, or run out of time to brush my hair, or can't find anything but bedroom slippers to wear on my feet - no one else is going to care! They only care that my kids are well behaved, that I'm courteous and timely and that I genuinely care if they've had a good day.

I need to focus out, not in. After all, as the adage goes, the best accessory is a smile :)