New Years Goals

I can't believe that January is almost here! My holidays have been a diet disaster. I keep telling myself that I'll only indulge on the holiday itself - but I've been out to eat or carb-loading pretty much every day since Thanksgiving. Ooof. So - I've given myself permission to go nuts until the New Year. It's going to happen anyway (despite my best intentions to get hot before Miami) and I'm tired of beating myself up over it. But, I've also already compiled my list of New Years goals. I call them goals because I don't like "resolutions" - when I resolve to do something, I feel like a failure the first day I stop doing it. When I set a goal, I recognize that there will be setbacks and I feel awesome when I make any progress toward the goal.

I'm hoping that this year will be the year of getting healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to get myself organized - get my house in order, get my schedule cleaned up and really crack down on discipline. Here's my plan, in no particular order:

1) Make an effort with my appearance. I will attempt to dress presentably and wear makeup at least 5 days a week. Ideally 6 days a week. I can wear yoga pants and sweatshirts if I'm really going to be doing a lot of cleaning or yard-work, but that's it. When I feel like I look good, I feel good about myself. And when I feel good about myself, it positively impacts every other part of my life.

2) I will work out every day even if I only do 20 situps. Usually, if I get a start, I want to keep going. It's motivating myself to get my tush out of my chair to do something that's the hard part. But if I tell myself I only have to do 20 situps or 5 minutes of running, then I'll be more likely to start. I can quit after my tiny goal. But odds are, I'll want to keep going.

3) Eat a healthy diet 5 days a week. I have a HUGE sweet tooth. And I love carbs. And in winter, telling myself I have to eat healthily is like telling myself I'm going to lace up some boots and climb Mt. Everest. I'm a lot more likely to eat fruits, veggies and grains 5 days a week if I know I can bake a pie on Saturday (or have a bagel for breakfast on Sunday - or whatever). To this end, I can't keep junk in the house. If there is chocolate, I will eat 9 pieces in an afternoon. If we have bread 'on hand,' I will eat toast all day. If I've got mac'n'cheese in the cupboard 'just in case we're snowed in,' I will make it for lunch the next day. I am a weak weak person and I can't keep junk in the house. Which means I'll have to plan my menus carefully. It means I need to have healthy 'in case of snow' meals in the freezer. It means I have to have lunch pre-made in the morning so I'm not seduced by the call of Panda Express when we're all ravenous after preschool. It's doable - I just have to make myself do it.

4) Get up at 6:30. My poor kids are suffering from my own laziness. I sleep in as late as possible in the morning, dawdle with getting out of bed, putter around with email and odds and ends and then get them up in a big fat rush because I keep trying to get them all fed and dressed and out the door in 20 minutes. So, I WILL get up at 6:30 every day. I don't have to work out. I don't have to shower. But I will do a devotional (what better way to get myself prepared for the day), quickly check my email and get myself dressed (nicely - with makeup) for the day and have breakfast started and clothes laid out before I get the kids up - hopefully by 7:30. If I can do that, we should cut down on a LOT of morning angst.

5) I will make quiet-hour shorter. Quiet hour lately has drawn out to quiet-two-hours (or more). Which is fine for the younger two who nap that long. And fine for Mommy who gets done a ton of blogging and cleaning and crafting and sleeping. But it's miserable for big brother who does not nap and, though he is ingenious in his creative use of such a long chunk of time in his room by himself with a box of toys, I know he misses Mommy. We used to spend naptime together reading books and playing. Then Mommy realized she was a nicer person if she got a SMALL break in the afternoon and we instituted quiet hour. And then Mommy realized how nice quiet hour was and it has gradually gotten out of hand. Therefore, I resolve to do what I must to make quiet hour stick closer to the hour-long mark. Nap first, errands second, clean third - the rest I'll have to fit in somewhere else.

6) To that end - Spend less time on the computer. I blog a LOT. Which is ok if I plan things out in advance and do as much of it as I can before getting up for the day. But I also enter all kinds of online giveaways, play around on Pinterest and generally waste tons of time on the internet. Time that I could be spending napping, cleaning, crafting and doing all those other things that make quiet hour so long. My plan is - leave the computer downstairs. That way, I can't work on it while I'm with the kids. They (and the house) get my undivided attention, and I'll have to learn to prioritize what I do on the computer during "my" time.

7) Keep a tidier, cleaner house. By bedtime, I'm pooped and don't want to clean. In the mornings, I'm in too much of a rush. And in the afternoons I know that anything I do will just be undone again by bedtime. So it never gets done. But I'm going to work toward both a) cleaning more with my newfound time that I won't be spending on the computer or frittering away at quiet hour, and by b) re-organizing the house to make it more efficient. If there's a spot that is always dirty or always covered in piles, it needs to be re-thought. And I can learn to multi-task. Clean the bathroom while the kids bathe, wipe down the kitchen while the kids eat breakfast, use vacuuming as a discipline tactic (my kids love to vacuum). There are lots of ways to keep this nest a little more nicely feathered - if I take the time to plan. Time that I'm hoping to gain back by being more efficient in all the above ways.

So - wish me luck - it's going to be a journey and I'll have a lot of setbacks I know, but I think it will be more than worth it in the end. I'm so tired of feeling scattered and hurried and cranky and disorganized all the time. I need to rework my life and make it run a little more smoothly or I'm really going to go off the rails some day. So here goes!

And how about you, what are your goals?

Skinny Mirrors and Skinny Jeans

The good news is - today I wore skinny jeans out in public for the first time. I put on a cute (long) sweater and my chunky brown boots and actually almost felt trendy. I certainly didn't feel like the bloated freak I felt like in the mirror at the store. And they were SO comfy!

The bad news is - mirrors lie. My bedroom mirror (the only full-length mirror in the house) is, (as Elaine Benes puts it) a skinny mirror. I always look awesome in that mirror. I look tall and thin and hip. It's a great ego boost. Until I see myself in a store window, a photograph, or someone else's mirror. And then I realize just how wide my hips really are. And how tall I'm not.

The good news - I can choose only to look in the skinny mirrors. How others see me is not based on how I see myself. If I only look in that bedroom mirror, I will feel like I look awesome. And that will give me confidence. And confidence will make me look awesome. I can walk right by those shop windows and dressing room mirrors and choose not to look and continue feeling like a million bucks. I can rock the skinny jeans like I own that style. But if I never dared to try something new because I was afraid I 'might look fat,' then I'd spend all my life hiding from the world in my big ol' sweats and I'd look as terrible as I felt.

I'll be frank - I think I was meant to be a bear. Every single winter, I put on 10 lbs of 'insulation.' I can barely pull myself out of bed and just want to sleep till spring. But that's what chunky sweaters are for, right? And, honestly, I have such a hard time staying warm in winter in the first place (yes, I am currently waiting on the results of a thyroid test), that I can probably use all the extra padding I can get.

So, I'm currently saying sayonara to my "goal weight." I'm not going to make it to 110 by New Years. Duh. I'm still stuck at 122 and there's no healthy way to make it. I'm going to embrace my winter weight. I'm going to keep on dressing up my new skinny jeans with tunics and hot boots. I'm going to enjoy every last bite of those toasty bagels with cream cheese. And when spring rolls around I'm going to hit the pavement, break out the watermelon and sculpt some abs.

Sound like a plan?

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Well, the holidays are here. Which means stuffing, and cookies, and gingerbread and pumpkin pie and grilled cheese with soup and calories calories calories. I'll confess, the last few weeks have been tough tough tough. I'm up to 122.5 now, which is discouraging, since I've only got 4 weeks until my goal of being 110 again. Ain't gonna happen. But, between birthdays (mine and daughter's) and Thanksgiving and now Christmas cookies - well, it's been a very delicious November. Here's the rundown of pitfalls and triumphs lately.

Pitfalls:

1. All the pie! We seriously had 4 pumpkin pies on Thanksgiving. We ate one the first day while we were with family, and then we had 3 to eat all by ourselves. And I can't eat pie without a TON of whipped cream. So that didn't go well.
2. Leftovers. I feel like my fridge has been taken over by leftovers. It took a week to eat all the stuffing. Then I made spaghetti for dinner and that lingered for days. Plus the cookies and the gingerbread and various other treats. It seems like as quickly as we finish one rich dish, another one pops up in it's place.
3. It's cold out. Which means I want hot food. And when I think hot food, I do NOT think "big streaming bowl of vegetables." I think spaghetti, or mac'n'cheese, or hot chocolate. Comfort foods.
   
4. I keep getting sick or injured. First I had a weird bout of exhaustion. Then I got a sinus infection. The I pulled a muscle in my foot. It seems like there's always some health issue keeping me from working out.
   

Triumphs:

1. I had a reality check. Yesterday I went shopping at the mall for the first time in ages. I tried on clothes. And I almost cried. Somehow the mirror in my bedroom makes me look a LOT slimmer than the mirrors in the dressing rooms. Those were only too happy to show me where all the pudge was sticking out of the clothes I tried on. And I thought I knew my size, but boy was I wrong. And I bought skinny jeans that I'll probably never have the courage to wear in public (even with a tunic top and chunky boots). BUT it gave me the motivation to skip the fried rice in favor of a salad at lunch. And it gave me the motivation to suck it up and do my workout video at naptime (um, ow, I still hurt). My pride is wounded, but maybe it was the extra push I needed to stop being apathetic and really work toward this goal again.
2. AND I have a new goal. I don't just want to lose weight. That would be awesome and all, but what I really want (and I think I've said this before), is to gain muscle. Even at 95 lbs I still had chub. I was very 'soft.' And my complaints yesterday weren't so much how wide I was as how squishy I was. I want definition. I want Jillian Michaels muscles. I started from the top of her 30 Day Shred video again yesterday and let me tell you - I don't have a muscle that doesn't ache. Which is a really really good thing! Now we'll see if I can make it past day 5 (I keep getting sick around then). I'm hoping that by using naptime to work out instead of getting up early, I might be able to stick with it longer.

Challenges:

1. My parents are coming to town this weekend. Which is wonderful! But, it also means celebrating baby girl's birthday (again) and doing an early Christmas (plus doing the regular one on the 25) and knowing me, I'm going to want to celebrate with food. I'm going to do my darnedest to make sure that we eat really healthfully for every other meal while they're here, and I'm going to make sure that I keep working out even though I have guests. But I know it's going to be hard to keep myself motivated.
2. I can't reach my goal in time. Nothing short of a stomach flu is going to get me down 12 lbs in 4 weeks. Not without starving myself or going back on the detox diet (which I refuse to do during the holidays). So I'm going to have to readjust my expectations. Which means dealing with the idea of my friends seeing me while I'm "still really fat" - and doing some strategic wardrobe planning to make sure I pack clothes that make me feel good. I know they don't care how I look. I'm sure they think I look fine. But if I don't feel fine, I'm going to let it bum me out. So - I need to pack the cute tops and the fun boots and then slap on a smile (and lots of makeup) and just go with it.
   
3. I've been having some problems with hormones lately (seriously - like, getting tested tomorrow kinda problems). Which isn't such a big deal except that I find it really easy to get depressed. The sort where all I want to do is run and never stop. But I don't have the energy to move off the couch. I've found that working out does help. So does listening to upbeat music. I'm really going to try not to let myself get into a funk, because it's not useful for anyone.
   

So that's where I am now, and what I'm planning to do. Wish me luck!! I'm gonna need it to get through this holiday without putting on MORE weight :p

Down Some Pounds - No More Juice

My recent update:

I appear to be down to 118.5 on an empty stomach. So woot for that. Only 8 more lbs to go till I hit my "reasonable goal." Think I can do it by the end of December?

The juice fast didn't take. I did juice for breakfast for one day, and was so mean and cranky by lunch that I had to eat something or risk yelling at my kids. So - I guess I'll just supplement with juice when I feel like I'm lacking in fruits and veggies and otherwise just try to eat healthily (and kick my thrice-weekly-Snickers habit).

I'm also looking for good tv shows to get addicted to. I think I'll be more willing to get up (or skip nap) to work out if I have something I can't wait to watch while I do it. Anyone got recommendations?

It's a journey - I must remember that. But I also know I have the speedbumps of birthday, Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas and New Years coming up (all that feasting = lbs lbs lbs!). So, I'll do what I can now that does NOT involve starving myself and that will have to be good enough.

The Juice Fast (aka why we love our Champion)

So today, after a week or more of talking about it, I finally started my juice fast. What exactly does that mean? Well, for a few days I'll be having juice for breakfast (apple with grape, primarily) and juice for lunch (carrot with tomato, primarily). For dinner? Real food!!! I'm not trying to starve myself to death. I just want to give my poor insides a break from all the high-fat, high-sugar, high-carb junk I've been eating. I also want to try to reset my mind and body so I don't crave all those things all the time. I was seriously thinking about fries and Snickers 24/7 (hubby and I even polished off an 8-pack of fun-size Snickers in about 5 minutes last night - we need help!) So, as you can see, I made a bunch of juice this morning - isn't the carrot pulp pretty?

I've had a couple of people ask me about our juicer. It's a Champion, as recommended by a co-worker of my husband's. His family eats a 90% raw-food diet (except for the one night a week they splurge) and they drink a LOT of juices. Fruit juices, veggie juices, green juices. And they are all SUPER healthy. So we thought we'd give it a try. Not the raw food, of course, but the juicing thing. Honestly, we don't make actual juice all that often. It takes an enormous amount of produce to yield anything more than a couple glasses of juice and tossing all that pulp (albeit onto our garden) still feels wasteful. Besides which we lose a lot of fiber that way. But here are a few things we do use our juicer for:

1) Making juice - Homemade apple-grape juice is just about the yummiest thing ever.
2) Making "ice cream" - run some bananas or frozen mixed fruit through the juicer and you have a super yummy frozen treat!
3) Making purees - our juicer comes with a 'blank' (ie a solid piece of plastic vs the juicing screen). When you run foods through with the 'blank' on, they come out nicely pureed. We've made everything from baby-food to apple sauce this way.

So far the only food we've found that our juicer can't take on is kale - it's thick stems get all tangled in the blade and bog it down. However, drinking kale tastes a lot like drinking freshly-cut lawn - so why bother? It's much better used it soups and stir-fries (or baked as chips!)

So that's our juicing experience in a nutshell. Wish me luck on my mini-fast - I'm hungry already!

Old Year's Resolution

I am a Type A personality with a laziness complex. I want all my ducks to be in a row, I just don't want to chase them around to get them there. Therefore it's really easy for things in my life to drop below what I consider to be 'sub-par' and then I get stressed out and then I am even less motivated to get anything done and it all spirals out of control. When I was in college, I 'solved' the issue by food restriction. Now, I just whine a lot to all of my friends.

I want to be thinner, but I don't want to work out or eat right.
I want my house to be sparkling and tidy, but I don't want to scrub things or pick up after the kids (again).
I want to save tons and tons of money, but I don't want to put much effort into budgeting or couponing. (And heaven forbid I should have to pass up on something I want likerightnow).

Therefore I remain chubby and broke in a dirty, cluttered house.

Ok ok, I know it's not as bad as all that. But I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I need structure. Lots of it. Otherwise I'm totally lost and I can't seem to get my bearings and all my 'good intentions' just fall through the cracks. Multitasking is my enemy - I just end up with a brain that is running in so many directions it stops working all together. SO I need to take a few minutes to set some concrete goals for my life. Some "resolutions" if you will, despite the fact that this year is almost over.

For the next few weeks I resolve to:

1) Make working out a priority. At least the night before, I pledge to plan out when I will exercise the next day - then stick with it. When I can, I'll work out with my husband in the evening. When I know I have to be away or we'll be super busy, I will either get up early (ugh) or commit to myself that I will do nothing at naptime before I have exercised. I will do cardio and strength. And sometimes, I will even have fun! (I'm hoping to get the boys outside for a game of tag today).

2) I will work my tush off to get my "weekly planner" board made. I'm very excited about this project. I'm refinishing an old dresser door, gluing on a white board, and adding a favorite verse and then a chart so I can track weekly meals and daily chores. I will schedule what I am serving for breakfast, lunch and dinner for at least 5 days a week (I'm ok with having no plan for weekends), what chores I am doing to keep the house tidy every weekday, AND a contingency plan or two for meals. This week I have had a lunch consisting of a peanut-butter apple and a snickers bar because I didn't leave myself time to eat. We had Panda Express today because I made today's scheduled lunch for dinner last night (thought hubby wasn't going to be home. then he was. what a mess). And I have NO idea what to cook tomorrow - fridge is getting empty. Ooof. Having all my meals plus a spare or two (something quick, cheap, and using 'on hand items') and all my daily chores in one place leaves me no excuse for "oh, I forgot" laziness.

3) I will make a detailed (cheap) grocery plan, go back to couponing and plan around store sales. It really doesn't take that long, I just don't do it. We've been storing up food in the freezer and I've been meaning to take a freezer inventory so I can use up the stuff in there. But I haven't gotten around to it, which means I'm winging it for meals and shopping several times a week and wasting TONS of money. So - I'll pick a regular time each week to make the list, print the coupons, circle the sales, etc. Let's see if we can get this budget back in shape.

4) I will prioritize!! My time and my money are two of my most precious commodities and I've been squandering them both. I need to remember that God comes first, my family comes second, and my hobbies come - well - somewhere way down the line. So I'm setting some rules for myself. No more buying craft supplies until I make a sale (or two or three) from my shop. If I have a super great idea - I'll just write it down. And I need to finish the 'important' projects (i.e. Christmas presents, commissioned items, etc) before I make random things for the shop. And the most important rule - just because it's on sale, doesn't mean it's cheap! If I don't need it for anything, I should just save the money even if it seems like a really good deal.

So - those are my current resolutions. Lets see if I can get myself back on track. I'm tired of feeling like I'm letting myself down every day, esp when being a little extra diligent and organized would make all the difference in the world. Feel free to ask me about it. Keep me on task. I'm hideous about being accountable to myself, but I'm a little better about not wanting to let down my friends. Thanks for all your support!

My Fitness Pal

Nope - juice fast didn't happen. Hoping to start tomorrow morning. Though, it's been really chilly the last few mornings so the last thing I want is cold juice. I think I might opt for a couple glasses of juice chased with a steaming cup of green tea. We have TONS of apples and a huge bag of carrots (plus some greens, grapes, etc) so I think we can do it. I just need the motivation.

That said, a friend of mine just invited me to join him on My Fitness Pal. I used to use Sparkpeople with some success, but frankly, it's really hard to fit in the time to record all my food and all my workouts (well, ok, it's not so hard to record my lack of workouts.) But since I know he'll be keeping an eye on me (and vice versa) it's pretty good motivation to just do it already. And I know that tracking is good for me. I'm FAR more likely to actually stick to 2 oz of pasta if I wrote it down already. And I'm FAR more likely to put in at least 20 min on the elliptical if I calculated for the calories already (although, the program probably expects more than the casual stride I take on the machine - but hey, I've got a sinus infection, at least it's something!).

SO that being said, would anyone else like to join me on My Fitness Pal? No, it won't tell me how much you weigh or even what you're eating - but it will tell me if you're working out and meeting your calorie goals. And you can keep track of me, too! The more people tracking me, the better because goodness knows I sure need a lot of accountability to put down the chocolate and lace up my sneakers. I've still got 10-15 lbs to lose -won't you join me on the journey?

If you'd like an invite, send me your email and I'll shoot it on over! Let's get fit, y'all!

Crave Crave Crave

Oh my stars it's been a rough couple of weeks! I have had one nasty craving after another (seriously, if I didn't know it was impossible, I'd think I was pregnant). First Snickers, then Panda Express, then today I've been dying for homemade donuts. And unfortunately, it's all too easy to give in. Here are this week's triumphs and pitfalls.

Triumphs:

1) Today I have eaten really well. I woke up feeling sick, I think because all the awful eating has caught up to me. So I've had lots of fruits and veggies and eggs and it really feels amazing! Sometimes my body also craves healthy foods - those are the cravings I need to listen to.
2) We took a nice brisk walk last night. I even had the urge to run, though I didn't. I'm hoping that tonight I'll go for it and try to get in a couple miles of run/walks. I'd stopped working out at night because I thought it was interfering with my sleep, but I slept like a baby last night! Here's hoping.
3) I'm planning a juice fast for a couple days next week. I feel starved for nutrients and gorged on junk and I think I really need to 'reboot' my body. Hoping it works out the way I'm planning - I think I'll feel a lot better.

Pitfalls:

1) Sleeping and being lazy and not working out. I have had NO energy the last couple of weeks and I need to kick start my workouts again.
2) Eating junk junk junk. Cornbread, biscuits, chocolate(!!!), take-out food, potato salad and hot-dogs - no wonder I feel awful! And I think I've gained a few pounds back, too. I feel fat and yucky - the way I always do when I cave in and quit being healthy.

What I'm planning:

1) Work out every evening and make that my priority. If I have to get the kids to bed 20 min sooner, so be it. If I can get back in the habit, I'll have more energy during the day. And getting up in the morning to work out just isn't happening.
2) Juice fast. Juice for 2-3 meals a day for 2-3 days. Flush out my system, beat these cravings, then start eating healthier again.
3) Get more sun. Winter makes me want to hibernate - which means I want to fill up on carbs, then sleep for a week. Ooooof. More sun and lots of up-beat music helps to wake me up and get me going - so that's my goal!

That's where I am right now - I notoriously gain 10 lbs of "insulation" every winter - this winter I want to be different - I want to take 15 lbs OFF - so here I go!

Quit Whining And Buy Some Spanx

A tough love letter to myself.

Dearest Mama-

You are not 18 anymore. You're not in college. You don't walk miles a day to class. It isn't convenient to skip meals. You should not be wearing college-girl clothes. No one expects you to squeeze back into that size 2 dress you bought when you were 16. You look at yourself and see lumps. Other people look at you and see curves. Some men love hips. Your husband loves hips. Still can't look past those lumps in the mirror? Go out and buy some Spanx. No more lumps, just curves. Eat well. Get your bum out of bed and exercise. Still can't squeeze into the size 2? Sell it to a college girl and buy yourself some hot "mom" clothes. You've had 3 kids - dress like it. No, not frumpy. Modest. Elegant. Nothing too short. Nothing too tight. Tunic tops are "in" - go harness that trend! Then look in the mirror, love what you see, and slap on your best accessory - the "I love myself" smile. Your parents didn't shell out big bucks for braces to hide those pretty teeth behind a frown. And quit whining! The most beautiful people are the most positive people. Stand up tall (good posture hides lumps, too) and be kind and gentle. Everything else you can hide with a great wardrobe.

Love-
Your conscience

Back At It

Clearly I haven't had time to post in a while. But I think it would do me good to do some updates just so I can keep track of what I need to work on. So here goes:

Today's triumphs:

1. Didn't take the kids to Panda Express like I'd intended. Went to Doc Greens and had a salad (and ok, a small side of cheesy mashed potatoes) instead.
2. Got up at 6 and did both my devotional and 30 min on the elliptical.
3. Making healthy veggie stir-fry and rice/quinoa for dinner.
   

Today's pitfalls:

1. Ate WAY too much froyo at Peachwave.
2. Spent more than I intended because we ate out both lunch and snack.
3. Ate half a dozen chocolate covered caramels while I cooked dinner.
   

What I learned:

1. Plan ahead better so I don't wind up eating out to kill time.
2. Chew gum while I cook.
3. Stick to the getting up and working out - actually felt really good even though I was desperate for my afternoon nap.

Also, I'm reading a new book called Body For Life about gaining muscle and being healthy (and transforming your body as it claims). Will let you know how it goes when I get done.

Our Daily Bread

As we were doing our Lord's prayer in church last week, I was suddenly struck by the phrase "Give us this day our daily bread." The prayer doesn't say "give us this day our lasagna and garlic bread" or "give us this day our gooey chocolate cake" - it says "our daily bread." We are asking God to provide us with the nourishment that our bodies need to do His work.

How often do I go throughout my days with a feeling of entitlement and deprivation. I am entitled to having a weekend off and am deprived when I must stay home to do housework. I am entitled to sleeping in when I like and am deprived when I have to rise early to exercise. And most commonly, I am entitled to eating whatever I feel I would most enjoy, and am deprived when I have to eat all that healthy stuff. This attitude is making me nothing but fat and cranky and I think it's time for a change.

I spoke with a friend recently who mentioned that she and her husband are doing the Daniel Diet. As in, eating what Daniel in the Bible would have eaten. Daniel, who had to fight for his right to eat healthy foods in the natural state God created them. Daniel who willingly and gladly turned down the rich foods of the king's people. Daniel who was noticeably the strongest and healthiest servant in the court. This diet is, essentially, much like the Big Diet hubby and I did a couple months ago. Lots of fruits, nuts, grains - anything that can be harvested. No eggs like I was eating, though. Their diet lasts 10 days and she said that though she's hungry, she's feeling amazing. It made me think long and hard about how I've been feeling lately. Fat, lazy, generally 'off.'

We've been splurging a lot, lately. We've gone on date nights and stuffed ourselves at buffets. We've invited friends over for 'fried nights' full of greasy, breaded foods. I've been eating s'mores like they're going out of style. And I'm paying for it. I don't think the Lord minds if we treat ourselves to something decadent now and then. But His word is filled with reminders to be self controlled and avoid gluttony. The Lord gives us commands for our own good and He knows best what will make our bodies strong, healthy, and ready to do His work.

I've already got my menu planned out for the week, and it's not great. We've got a night of eating out and some meatloaf and leftover fried-food on there. But I do intend to eat as cleanly as I can this week, and once it's over - well I just need to do my best to be like Daniel 90% of the time, and the king 10% or less. I think treats are a good thing. They help me from feeling totally deprived and then stuffing myself with anything and everything I can find. But I need to remember that treats are just that - something special to spoil myself with now and then. I am not entitled to eating whatever will taste best at any given moment. I am not deprived if I eat healthy, whole foods that will increase my energy, boost my weight loss and improve my mood. I need to spend more time thanking the Lord that I have the resources to eat as He intends instead of grumbling that I never get to cook anything 'yummy.' Any time I start to complain that healthy food is boring I should thaw out a bag of raspberries. Oh. Yum. It's summer. Fruits and veggies are abundant and (relatively) cheap. So let's all celebrate the season by having a Daniel feast! Who's with me?

Couple Quick Goals

It's late so this will be quick. Couple new goals.

1) I really really need to work on getting up at 6 so I can go run/walk/work out in some manner while hubby is getting ready (so someone is with the sleeping kiddos) then get showered before they wake. I think I'll feel a lot better if I get my day started well before the wee ones are up, even if it means waking WAY too early. And then I can't have the "I'm too tired to work out/ don't want to be up all night" excuse like I do at night.

2) Seeing friends in Miami this December. Will probably involve donning a swimsuit at some point. Don't mind being chubby around family - but friends are another story. Top that with the fact that I usually gain 10 lbs each winter and it's a recipe for disaster. So, the goal is - get down to my ideal weight and add a little muscle by December. If I'm around 123 now, that means losing 13 lbs in 5 months - just under 3 lbs a month. Can do!

So here I go! Wish me luck. And if you have any good ab/arm/butt strengthening moves you want to share - please do :)

Triumphs and Pitfalls

It's been a crazy few weeks. Still stuck in the low 120s. Here's what's been going on with me.

1) Had Mexican food the other night on our usual Friday night out. This time, though, I savored it. I mean, really ate it slowly and paid attention to every bite. And when I was full, I stopped. And though I ate almost the entire plate of food, I didn't feel guilty about it, because I really had been very hungry and wasn't stuffed when I was done. And man, that cheese enchilada was heaven. And since I paid close attention to what I was eating, I don't feel like I'll need to indulge again like that soon.

2) Although, tonight we had 'fried night.' We've been planning this for ages. We breaded and fried eggplant, mozzarella sticks and cucumbers and summer squash. It was yummy. And I'd meant to eat super clean all day to leave room for it. But of course I wound up shopping all afternoon for groceries (never food shop hungry! eeek $$$$$ trip) and was ravenous when I got home so I had a turkey and cheese rice cake sandwich. But I had a huge pile of peaches and snow peas with it. But I chased it with the rest of my enormous chocolate bar because I wanted it gone - I really do think I'm allergic to chocolate and it makes me depressed. So no more chocolate for me except on special occasions. At least fried foods are heavy, so I didn't even finish a whole plate full. And I noshed some baby carrots and more snap peas on the side. Not a total fail I guess.

3) I made ice cream cake for my son's 2nd birthday. We were eating so much of it (somehow we had a ton of leftovers) we decided to let it melt and toss it. It hurt our wallets, but at least it didn't hurt our hearts (or hips :p).

4) I've been skinny obsessed again lately. Like, watching my favorite celebs literally gets me to stop eating. And sometimes it even makes me work out hard. So far, it's still been healthy - I'm making good choices. But if it gets obsessive, I'm going to have to media fast for a while. Because right now, these girls look good to me:






And I caught myself looking at a picture of Marie Osmond, who wears a size 2, and thinking "wow, she's kinda chubby" (um, no honey, those are called curves, and they're a good thing). And so the battle continues. I guess I've still got 15 lbs before I need to worry. And I really would like to fit back into my wedding rings (which are tight on my pinkie right now). I just need to remember that healthy is the goal and scary skinny is just stupid. Bleh.

So that's what's been happening with me and weight and body image lately. And if you talk to me, remind me that curves are good. Remind me that muscles are better. Remind me to get my tush and my toddlers out that door to take a walk in the morning (preferably before it gets blazing hot out - so I guess I'll be getting up at 5 am). Yeah.

What is Wrong With Me Lately?

Ok, here's my rant from facebook - it's more appropriate here I think:

I have NO idea what is in style or even looks good on me anymore. Some days I miss maternity clothes lol everything looks cute with a baby bump.
I am in serious need of a makeover. I hate absolutely everything about the way I look. I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does.
I'd love to redo my wardrobe - everything I own is either ancient from college or a hand me down (which are stylish but not my color/size most of the time). But, I can't bare to spend any money on new clothes, it just seems silly when... my closet is overflowing. I really just need someone to help me put together some outfits that look good, then purge the rest of it. I also just need to grow out my hair again - I always forget how curly and awful it gets when it's short. Oh well. I recognize that what I look like really isn't important in the long run, but somehow when I don't look good I just feel 'off' somehow.

This is following a day where I just feel frumpy and ugly. It's probably just a result of wearing unflattering jeans and needing to get my haircut refreshed (angles look stupid when they get too long to tuck cutely behind the ears). But I'm also frustrated that I want new clothes that fit the body I have now but I'm too cheap (and ok my husband would kill me) to buy new clothes. And we ate really decadently this weekend (I had a huge Red Robin burger on Friday night, then we had company on Saturday night so I made lasagna and garlic bread and pie) so I'm feeling huge and swollen and uncomfortable and like an enormous blob, even though when I weighed in (with a full stomach and all my clothes on) this morning I was only 123.5. So I haven't really gained anything.

It's probably partly due to it being "that time" when I'm usually feeling gross and depressed anyway. But I've also found myself in all seriousness wishing I had the courage to make myself throw up. I can't seem to make myself starve anymore, so that sick part of my brain is looking for other options. I could never do it - the actual thought makes me shudder - but the fact that there's part of me that really wishes I could and thinks I'm weak because I can't just shows that I am seriously screwed up. And probably in need to some serious Bible time. It doesn't help that my husband (who can barely keep his pants up he's so skinny) complains all the time about being fat. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes me feel AWFUL! I keep thinking "wow, if you think you're fat, you must think I'm a disgusting hippo." Which of course he doesn't. He tells me I'm pretty sometimes - but I don't believe him. And sometimes I get the feeling that it grosses him out to see me eat. Which is ridiculous and all in my head -but I guess I needed to say it out loud to realize just how stupid it is.

Anyway, that's my struggle lately. That and wanting to bawl because I so desperately want to go for a run (or even do sit ups) during the day when I have energy but I can't because one baby is napping so I can't take them for a walk or if I lie down to do ab stuff I get two toddler sitting on my middle (and I'm just not buff enough yet to do my workout with all that extra weight). So when my workout is thwarted and I'm still eating like a cow my brain looks for any other option for not getting hideous and obese.

Bleh, ok, whine groan complain. I know that all that matters is that I'm kind to my husband and my kids and that I run my house well. But sometimes when I hate myself it gets me really down and then it's hard to be the woman I know I'm supposed to be. Maybe I need to copy out the Wife of Noble Character Proverb and post it somewhere. It doesn't say anywhere on there that she's gorgeous. In fact, the only beautiful women in the Bible (except Esther maybe?) are the 'stumbling blocks' for men - not good. It does say that she works hard and builds esteem for her family. So I know my goal - now I just need to rearrange my head and carry it out. Whew.

If you chat with me in person - give me a poke now and then and remind me what I'm really supposed to be working toward. Noble character and a healthy body. Yeah.

New Goal

I have a new healthy goal. I no longer want to be a waif (though sometimes I still want to cry when watching Star Trek) - but I want to get super fit. I've been envying people with visible muscles lately - especially in the arm/shoulder area. And I know for a fact that some of my posture/pain problems I've been having lately are due to the super weak abs I've been left with after 3 rapid-succession pregnancies. I want to gain more endurance and energy (not less, which is what happens when you starve yourself) so I can keep up with my kids and not fall into bed dead-tired every night. So it's time to up the cardio AND up the resistance, add in the sit-ups, and love those tricep-dips. If anyone has any great strength-training advice (esp how to do it without hitting the gym) let me know! Thanks :D

Looking Out, Not In

Sorry I've been MIA lately. It's really been more of the same. A few days of good eating, followed by a couple days of terrible eating (but oh. my. goodness. I discovered a pizza parlor that makes gluten free pizza. And not that fakey frozen stuff like Godfather's does. It's their usual pizza sauce, toppings and cheese on top of a crispy, thin crust. *drool*). I'm trying to balance things out. Our points system is frustrating because I rarely get any. It's also not very motivating. If I know I'm going to blow my points by having pizza that night, I have no motivation left NOT to finish off all the chocolate eggs in the freezer. Etc. So I'm trying to focus less on the points system and merely on eating well most of the time. Otherwise my cravings take absolute control of me and I go nuts. And I run the risk of missing out on key nutrients (I need a little meat for protein, dairy for calicum and grains other than rice - I'm just not cut out to be a vegan). ANYway, that's how things are going so far. I gained back a couple of those pounds I lost but they're slowly leaving again. My new goal for the moment is adding in some cardio - we're almost done with the basement, so the elliptical will be handy again. But I'd really love to get in some daytime walking since working out too close to bedtime keeps me awake.

So. To get to what this post is really about. I am, and always have been, the sort of person who gets dressed up to go to Walmart. Well, not really 'dressed up' perse - but I do make sure that I'm at least wearing jeans (instead of sweats) and jewelry and that my hair is presentable. I try only to wear gym clothes to the gym and if I can help it I wear makeup whenever I leave the house. But the other day I ran off to the library with the kids without putting on jewelry or checking my hair or wearing makeup. And I wasn't the least bit self conscious. Because I didn't notice until the car ride home. I was so busy getting kids buckled and keeping them from being run over and making sure they didn't tear up books or run into the parking lot that I wasn't paying any attention to myself or what other people might think of me. And it was really really nice. Frankly, I'm sure most people hardly notice me. After all, I can't tell you what the other moms there that day were (or were not) wearing. But I can tell you which ones let their kids run amok (namely myself). And I can tell you which ones were kind to their kids. And I can tell you how efficient the checkout guy was.

Lesson learned: how I look is not nearly as important as how I act. And if I leave the house looking sub-par, odds are I'll be the only one who notices (and maybe not even that). So if I want to get dressed up, or lose a few pounds, or wear lots of makeup or make sure my shoes match my clothes - bonus. But if I keep a little mommy-fluff, or run out of time to brush my hair, or can't find anything but bedroom slippers to wear on my feet - no one else is going to care! They only care that my kids are well behaved, that I'm courteous and timely and that I genuinely care if they've had a good day.

I need to focus out, not in. After all, as the adage goes, the best accessory is a smile :)

Epic Fail

The Big Diet was an awesome success. The week after The Big Diet was an epic fail. As I'd mentioned, we got hideously carried away and bought/made WAY more treats than we could possibly eat during our three hour splurge. The idea was that when we were finished eating, we'd freeze what we could and either give away or throw away the rest. Well - that's not what happened.

We had 3/4 of a cake left, a HUGE pile of macaroni, three candy bars, two bottles of soda, a bag of chips - I'm fairly sure there was more. And we ate it. All of it. We nibbled the cake till it was gone. We ate chips and ice cream and candy and soda while we watched Star Trek in the evening. I even cooked more pasta and ate lots of cereal because by day 3 I'd give up. I convinced myself that since my sister and her family were coming to town and I'd have less control over the menu (though they eat very healthily) and we were celebrating my nephew's birthday (with cake), I might as well just eat whatever I wanted all week, and start over on Tuesday.

BIG mistake. I feel awful. I'm bloated and sleepy and cranky and have gained back at least 3 of the 9.5 lbs I worked so hard to lose. My skin is raw and angry again and my tummy hurts a lot. So, today, I'm back to the diet. Mostly. I did make tuna salad for lunch, but we ate it on rice cakes with lots of veggies (and, ok, I admit to putting cream cheese in my corn...) I'm planning beans and rice and veggies for dinner - every night this week. And we've set up a new system for keeping on track.

Since we're no longer earning time for a splurge, we needed new motivation for eating clean. We've devised a new points system - 2 points for a perfect day, 1 point if we have minimal animal products, 0 points if we have sugar/pasta/junk. When we collectively earn 100 points, we can reward ourselves with a date night (one that hopefully doesn't involve Golden Corral or a similar pig-out :p). This will also help us regulate the frequency of date nights, as they're getting expensive now that we need a sitter.

So, another lesson learned the hard way. Lifestyle changes are hard to make, but we're getting there. I'm also considering switching to organic dairy and meat (for health and because it'll help me eat less of it) and maybe trying to buy organic for the 'dirty dozen' produce. And, we're nearly done with the basement, so hopefully we can plug the machines back in and break a sweat again (in the meantime, I need to make more of an effort to get in a walk in the evening). Two steps forward, one step back. At least I'm motivated to keep up the healthy eating - it really does make me feel SO much better :) Oh, and my sister taught me a couple of awesome recipes (lasagna and quiche) that substitute whole grain millet for pasta or crust - super yummy and much healthier!

As I'm continuing to tweak my menu and learn new recipes, I'll keep asking you all for your tips and advice. Do you have any great dairy-free (pasta-free) recipes you want to share? Anything vegan, raw, or vegetarian? Any super yummy whole-grain recipes? Any great smoothie or juice concoctions to pass along? I always appreciate any help I can get! You guys are great!

Biggest Loser and Super Sunday Splurge

Well - we made it through our 3 week crazy diet. And in general, I feel awesome! I'm definitely planning to continue trying to eat super clean and healthy at least 6/7 of the week. And the diet has paid off in weight loss, too! I had my final weigh-in for Biggest Loser on Sunday morning and I won! I'm down 9.5 lbs and up $60. Very nice :) I ate pretty well at Grandma's for lunch on Sunday as well, and then Sunday night was Super Splurge Sunday dinner!

My husband and I have been planning for and anticipating this meal for three weeks. And the longer we were on the diet, the more grandiose the meal became. At first, we were only going to have a few candy bars to break our diet. By Sunday night my menu included: homemade sherried caramelized-onion two cheese macaroni with hot dogs, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and vanilla ice cream, two pieces of artisan chocolate, and some rootbeer. My husband had lined up: two frozen pizzas, rootbeer, orange soda, a small sleeve powdered sugar donuts, oreos and kettle chips. Woah. We both wound up with about 2.5 hours to eat all our goodies (after all our 'cheat' time had been subtracted) and we were so excited! We had two episodes of Star Trek to watch and our huge pile of food to eat....

But a funny thing happens when you eat healthy, fiber filled food. Your stomach shrinks. You're eating well, so you don't need to eat as much. And eventually you can't eat as much if you try. I only used 29 minutes out of my 2.5 hours. I had one small plate of the incredibly rich macaroni, half a medium size piece of cake, a small scoop of ice cream and two glasses of rootbeer. Oh, and half of each piece of artisan chocolate. And I was miserably stuff. Not only that, but I was so used to eating fresh tasting foods that all those rich, sweet treats made me shiver. My husband managed to do a little better with his food (I think he finished the pizza and donuts, but most of the oreos are still standing and the chips are unopened). I was both very disappointed that my gorging was so short lived, and also pretty grateful that I wasn't so full of junk that I'd be miserable in the morning.

And I wasn't. I feel pretty good today, actually. I even had even recovered from the splurge enough by lunchtime that I finished the boys leftover mac'n'cheese and had a few more bites of cake (yeah, I justified the cheating by reminding myself that I used only 1/5 of my time last night...) And oddly enough, I actually feel like eating healthily this week. True, there's a little cheese and meat and pasta in the meals I planned -but just a little. And in general, I'm most excited about the snap peas and hummus in my fridge.

So was the crazy diet worth it, even though we didn't pig out like we expected? Totally! I feel healthy, I feel happy, and my pre-baby jeans are already loose! (I even managed to squeeze into a size 1 skirt yesterday - though it sat at my waist instead of my hips like it used to). I only have 12 more pounds to go until I hit my goal weight (I came in at 122 on Sunday) and I'm $60 richer to boot. Now I just can't wait for my hips to stop hurting (someone mentioned that relaxin from pregnancy stays in your system for months post-partum, foo) and for the basement to be finished (so I can get to my elliptical again) and I can start on the next part of my health-makeover plan: Getting in super cardio shape and toning up all these mushy muscles! Here's hoping that by next bikini season I don't have to hide under a cover- up.

Thanks again, everyone, for joining me on this journey - your feedback is always appreciated! :)

The Down Side

Ok, so I said I love how I feel when I'm on this healthy diet. And, in general, I do. But there can be too much of a good thing. There's a reason I gave up vegetarianism after 10 years. I was terrible at it. I ate pasta and bread and never got enough protein. When my husband and I first started going to the gym together regularly, I had good days where I could power through for an hour and burn 600+ calories - and then some days after 20 minutes I'd nearly black out or throw up or be dizzy for a half hour afterward. When I consulted my doctor she ran some blood tests and told me I was way low on protein - apparently my blood sugar was hitting the floor right after I'd eaten.

Well, last night when we went for our walk I got 2 miles in at a pretty good pace, then suddenly started feeling woozy, then nearly blacked out. Again. It happened a couple days earlier as well. And has been happening off and on since we started our diet. My conclusion is that I'm once again not getting enough protein and/or carbs to sustain an even blood-sugar level. Oops. We've only got one week of the diet left and even though we're going to attempt to keep going with a healthier eating routine when we're finished, I am definitely adding back in meats and dairy in moderation to help me stay balanced. I'm just not cut out to be a vegan (even though I was eating eggs) or even a vegetarian, although I do tend to eat a vegetarian diet 90% of the week. We'll keep cutting back on sugar and refined grains, and I'll use dairy and meat sparingly, but apparently I just can't live on fruits and veggies and rice alone. (And peanut butter - I've been eating a ton of peanut butter, which probably isn't super healthy or conducive to weight-loss).

Ah well. You live, you learn. I'm going to try to work in more protein this last week and after that, well, I'm really looking forward to getting my cheese back. :D

Love That Feeling

Ok, so I was going to write this post yesterday but Blogger has been down. Booo. Today is an aberration where I feel just awful! But, given that I almost blacked out walking 1.5 miles last night, I think I'm getting sick. I've felt hit-by-a-truck awful all day (cranky, shaky, queasy) BUT as I said, this isn't actually typical of how I've been feeling lately at all. Here's what I was going to say yesterday:

For the last 4 years, and especially the first 4 months postpartum this last time, I've been on a nasty blue streak. It got so bad toward the end of month 3 p.p. that I actually considered seeking out counseling. But just as I was making up my mind to make the call, I snapped out of it. Just like that. I partly blame all that depression on the crazy roller-coaster I put my hormones on having 3 babies in 3 years. I never gave myself time to re-balance and fully heal before I was pregnant again. Not to mention the fact that I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept through the night in the last 4 years. Add that all up and you get one doozy of a bad mood.

I'm sure, though, that a large contributing factor to my awful moods was my health - particularly my diet. I was one of those silly pregnant women who used my growing bump as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. "Oh, no one will notice the extra pounds," I'd tell myself. "Besides, I'm eating for two." When I should have been eating even cleaner to give my babies the best nutrients possible and fuel my body for one heckuva long journey, I was stuffing it full of chocolate and ice cream and other comfort foods to combat the hideous fatigue I felt while growing one baby and simultaneously chasing another. By the end of pregnancy #3 I was 60 lbs heavier than pre-kids (and only about 12 of that was baby and accompanying stuff) and just the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was exhausting enough to make me cry.

Well, right around the 4 month mark, I decided that it was time to lose the weight and start eating better. And for the most part, I did. And *surprise* that's about the time I started to feel happier, too. I don't think it really hit home for me, though, till we started our big diet 2 weeks ago. Suddenly I was joyful in the morning. I felt energized despite the lack of sleep (and didn't even crave the chocolate to get me through the day anymore). And I was soooo much calmer and more relaxed with the kids. Not to mention that despite the fact that I have 13 lbs till I hit my goal weight, I finally finally kinda feel pretty again. It's silly that I need to 'feel pretty' to be confident again (and, frankly, I don't know if it's feeling good about how I look that makes me feel happy, or if happiness and thinness are both just products of being healthier), but it helps.

Maybe I can just say that I feel more 'normal' lately - I feel like 'myself' again which I haven't in a long long time. I've even found myself getting back into music I used to like and watching old tv shows I used to like and occasionally get a glimpse of who I am as a single entity instead of being stuck in 'wife mother super busy housekeeper who am I again" mode constantly. We'll just say that I feel balanced. And blessed. Even when my kids are grinding watermelon into the carpet or getting into (joyful) screaming matches or pelting me with Hotwheels. I still want to pause time right here and savor the moment. Which, considering that very recently I was counting the days till the baby started pre-school, is a HUGE step for me.

I'll confess - today I did some yelling. Today I was cranky. Today I didn't eat quite as well as I should have. But, today I am sick. In general, I am feeling really, truly amazing and I am so grateful. I LOVE this feeling and I am thanking God every day for restoring it. And I'm praying that I use it productively - to motivate myself to continue this healthy lifestyle - to use my extra energy playing with my kids - to really take the time to savor the moment. Because before I know it, baby girl WILL be in pre-school and I know I will miss all the chaos. At least, I'll miss this kind of chaos :)

Sorry for all the rambling. I guess it's just my roundabout way of saying that I'm finally learning that if I take care of myself first, I'll be so much better able to take care of everyone else. Here's hoping I can keep it up! Because this is so great!

The Big Diet

As I said in my last post, what you eat can really influence how you feel. So hubby and I have started our big 3 week eat clean diet. At first, it seemed insane and really daunting - but the longer we're on it, the better I'm feeling. I noticed that after day 4 a lot of issues I'd been having (nasty raw itchy skin, insomnia, sluggishness and crankiness) have virtually disappeared. I still suspect that I'm allergic to chocolate (or maybe sugar?) since I have hideous withdrawal every time I stop eating it and I think that's where a lot of my symptoms are coming from. I guess we'll see. We will be doing this diet for 3 weeks with a 'splurge' at the end, but we're hoping to make it more of a lifestyle, only treating ourselves one meal a week instead of all the time. So, here are the basics of the diet:

For three weeks, we will eat only the following:

Fruits and veggies: unlimited
Eggs: 2/day
Peanut butter: 2 tbsp/day (or 1-2 oz nuts)
Hummus and salad dressing: 1 tbsp each/day
olive or coconut oil, soy sauce: few tsp for sauteeing
whole grains: small amounts
beans: small amounts
spices: unlimited
water and tea: unlimited

What we can't eat:
chocolate, sugar, dairy, refined grains (bread, pasta, cereal, cookies, etc), meat

At the end of the three weeks, we have 3 hours to eat as much of our 'splurge' (right now I'm thinking mac'n'cheese and chocolate cake - originally we were thinking candy) as we can. And then we'll stop and freeze whatever is left.

As an incentive to be good, every time we 'cheat' on the diet we lose 5-30 minutes (depending on the size of the cheat - a cookie is 5 min, a BBQ lunch is 30) from our final splurge. To earn time back, we have to work out (1 mile walked/run = 5 minutes back, 1 situp/pushup/etc = 1 second back).

Ideally in the end we'll continue the diet eating well Monday-Saturday afternoon. Saturday nights will be our 'splurge' nights (within reason of course) and Sundays we eat at Grandma's so we'll do the best we can, but treats are ok there too. We're trying to walk/run 3 miles every night and do strength stuff every other night as a habit (once we get our basement back it should be a breeze to work out to Star Trek again).

And like I said - I can't believe how amazing I feel! I've already lost a few pounds (my scale stinks so much it's debatable how much) and I feel not only thinner, but more energetic and like my whole body is functioning more smoothly. Even my skin is clearing up. Woohoo! I don't crave things like I did anymore (yes I was drooling over the cookies on Sunday, but I was able to stop at just a couple instead of eating the whole plateful and still felt satisfied - and I did 'run off' my time). So I'm very excited about the prospect of a healthier lifestyle.

That said, I'm terrible at cooking on a primarily produce diet (it'll be easier after the 3 weeks when I get all my condiments back). So if anyone has any super yummy vegan/non-dairy vegetarian recipes they want to share, I'm all ears :) (We have found that frozen-fruit-though-the-juicer ice cream is not only a very satisfying dessert, but is about the only thing we can actually get our kids to eat on this diet - so we've been eating a TON of that and I'm really surprised how well it satisfies even my ravenous sweet tooth :D )

Oooof

I've learned a lot this week about food and how it makes you feel. Hubby has been in Mexico all week, I have been really stressed (as happens when I'm alone all day with the kids), and the weather has been dreary. Not to mention I received a mountain of Easter candy last week. And I cherish my hot cocoa and mini-marshmallow snacks with my son. Stress = constantly eating the overabundant candy (I finally put it in the freezer) and daddy gone = cashing in a bunch of giftcards to restaurants so I don't have to cook (and so we could stay on budget). Which meant I've been loading my body up with chocolate and nachos and cheesy dip and mousse (and a salad and french onion soup and TONS of veggies at lunch, but still...) and I feel awful! I didn't realize how healthily we usually eat until I've eaten terribly all week. My stomach hurts and I feel bloated and disgusting. Not to mention I've been too tired to work out (though I got in 20 minutes tonight). I'm fairly sure I've gained back every last ounce I lost (and then some) and really can't believe some people eat like that all the time! So - I've given myself permission to eat whatever I want until Sunday night (I've got Mom's Night Out full of snacks on Sat. night) and then for the next three weeks we're on modified detox at our house. Hubby challenged me to 2 weeks of eating nothing but fruits and veggies - rewarding our success at the end with all the candy and/or cakes we can eat in an hour. Sounded like fun but I've modified it to 3 weeks of fruits, veggies, whole grains plus some peanutbutter or nuts and an egg each day (just so I don't miss out on protein) and beans. That should clean out my system and get me back in shape. And, it should help me finally lose some weight for the last 3 weeks of my biggest loser competition. I have no hope of winning, but I'd like not to come in dead last (fatter than I started!!) And I'm hoping to start going back to turbokick at least once if not twice a week and I'd really love to head back to Saturday yoga - but it's just so hard to fit all that in when we have so little time together in the evenings in the first place. I at least need to start burning some serious calories on the elliptical at night. One way or another I need to get this heart pumping.

Soooo, I guess that's the rundown for now - wish me luck, I've got to get out of this funk. Cannot wait till it's watermelon season - I could live on that stuff :)

Pride

So, I'm a prideful person. It's a huge flaw I have and something I struggle with all the time. And it's part of what makes this weight loss journey so hard. That being said - my "now" picture over there is really bugging me. It makes me look way more huge than I really am (thanks big, billowy shirt) and so I'm going to post a picture of what I really look like. Frankly, I think I look 'ok' most days - with the right jeans and a nice long shirt I look a little lumpy, but not really 'fat' perse. In fact, I might even stop worrying about weight loss altogether - except that most of my clothes still don't fit and it's almost swimsuit season (cue ominous music). So I'll keep it up. But for the sake of not being hideously embarrassed, here's me at 128 lbs or so - messy room, dirty mirror and all...

Stress Makes Me Fat

When I was in college, I dealt with stress by food restricting. I was stressed, I'd stop eating and take a walk. Now when I get stressed, I head straight for the mac'n'cheese. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in 3.5 years. That's a slight exaggeration, but I could probably count on two hands the number of times it's happened. The last few weeks I've been averaging 4-5 broken hours of sleep a night. I'm a wreck. I'm angry and mean and cranky and exhausted. I can't work out because I barely have enough energy to lift my limbs. And all I want to do is eat enough mac'n'cheese to put myself in a coma and then hibernate for a month. Of course, I can't do that - someone has to watch the kids all day and then get up with them when they wake up all night. And as much as hubby helps, it's mostly on me to do. I am so burned out I literally spend all day dreaming about being on a tropical beach somewhere - alone. And in the meantime I soothe myself with the mac'n'cheese I was saving for hubby's next business trip when I would be really tired and not have time to cook (so now I have to find time to make a few things for the freezer since I ate up my easy-food stock) and chocolate chip cookies that I once again baked as a treat for my kids (aka for myself and then regret it because my kids eat some and go bonkers from the sugar). I'm back up to 130 lbs after a couple of weeks at 126. I'm stressed out, I'm frustrated, I'm tired of being fat, but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. And I don't see it getting better any time soon. Which makes it even harder to deal with. I keep telling myself they'll grow out of it, but frankly, I doubt they will. My 3 year old sleeps worse now than he did when he was little, and his siblings are headed in that direction. And short of putting them all in their beds and then checking myself into a hotel, nothing is going to change. So anyway, whine groan complain this is my excuse for keeping myself fat even though I know better. It's just easier that way. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go comfort a crying baby and try to stop two toddlers from peeing on the floor....

What the Good Book Says

As you all know, I've been really struggling with self-image lately. I'm constantly surrounded by these images of perfect, skinny, gorgeous models and actresses and it makes me feel awful about myself. Never mind that they're all airbrushed, have personal trainers, and didn't pop out 3 kids in as many years. It just makes me feel bad. And maybe I'm just starting to realize that I'm almost 30 and it's "all down hill from here" (which is also ridiculous), but I've been kinda obsessed lately with what I 'used to be.' What I used to be - thinner, prettier, more self absorbed, my priorities WAY out of whack, unhappy, insecure.... I think it's time to give my whole weight-loss journey a good ol' infusion of biblical principle. So - here are some of my favorite verses pertaining to the issue:

1 Timothy 2:9-10

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

1 Peter 3:1-4

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Proverbs 11:22

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

Matthew 5:28

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So what is my real goal in becoming thinner again? Is it to make men stumble? To garner praise for myself? To overcompensate for a lack of inner beauty? The only man who matters already thinks I'm beautiful. I am not deserving of praise - that belongs to the Lord. And if I feel lacking in spiritual riches I need to spend as much time in my Bible as I do on the treadmill. The whole point of my (often faltering) fitness regime was to make this body that the Lord has given me a more productive tool for His work. It is not to gain glory for myself. Therefore I need to focus less on how I appear on the outside (without, of course, neglecting hygiene and fashion entirely) and focus more on being beautiful on the inside (kind, patient, gentle, generous...). That will bring me far greater joy than squeezing into a size 2 again and will bring much greater glory to the Lord. But sometimes, I just need a little reminder...

11 Week Challenge: Week 12

Ok, so clearly I got a little busy and missed last week. I hope that things are still going well for everyone. I have good days and bad days -lately lots of bad days. Too much eating out, not tracking calories, no workouts for a few days. Oops. Really wanted to turbo tonight but managed to twist a vertebra in my neck so I think I'll be icing my shoulder instead. Boo. And I had Panda Express (hello calories!) for lunch and am making spaghetti for dinner - oh well - tomorrow is another day. Anyway, here we go:

Week 11(12): Keep up the good work

This week is all about maintenance. Have a look back at the previous 10 weeks of advice and tweak anything you've slacked off on. Come up with a plan to keep it up. Have you lost any weight during the 12 weeks? I think I've shed about 3 lbs - which is something, I guess. Not gonna win the Biggest Loser competition, but that's ok.

So, how did you do? Did you at least attempt all 11 weeks? If so, leave me a comment and you'll be entered into that giveaway I mentioned. Best wishes for a happy weight loss journey from here on out!!

I say that I want to lose weight

then what do I do? Bake cupcakes. That's right, at this very moment I have a batch of Red Velvet cupcakes going. Well, actually, half a batch - at least I managed to limit how much I'm making. I don't even know what triggered my craving for cupcakes, but as soon as I realized I'd have some leftover cream cheese (from the awful, fatty, calorie-laden 3-cheese quesadillas I'm making for dinner *sigh*) and could therefore make cream cheese frosting, I decided that my 3 year old and I just had to make cupcakes during naptime. Ugh. I was pretty good about calories yesterday and I forced myself to go to turbokick even though I felt awful - but today I not only had cheese and butter filled multi-grain hot cereal, but I had cheese with my soup and veggies at lunch (at least I skipped the ranch dip), and I'm having those quesadillas for dinner (at least I'm also serving spinach salad) - and now cupcakes! I'm insane. And I just caught myself gazing longingly at the super-skinny picture of myself I posted on the fridge for motivation - yeah, guess that's not so much working. Oh well, damage done, but I can try to minimize it. Eat very few cupcakes, send the rest to work tomorrow, maybe squeeze in a run. We'll see. Got to remember I've got $ riding on the Biggest Loser too - now I really have to be motivated lol. I guess I just needed to rant about my stupidity. Remember, girl, cupcakes do NOT = quality time!

Pro-ana, anti-you

I am a firm believer that confessing something can help you move beyond it. Therefore, I feel that this post is necessary, despite the fact that it's probably way TMI.

This morning I stumbled upon a pro-ana (aka pro-anorexia) website while doing a little (mostly innocent) web searching. Ok, no, I didn't learn from my previous post and yes, I did Google "How did Jolene Blalock get so skinny?" (apparently she'd been a model and thus on a chronic diet since she was 17). I found myself horrified, however, not by what was on that site, but by the frequency with which I used to visit such sites. And that I used to think they were filled with really 'good advice.' *shudder*

When I was 19, through a semester of being overworked, overtired, overstressed and various other things, I lost 16 lbs. This dropped me from 116 lbs to 100 lbs. Which is a reasonable weight for someone who's 5'2." But along with the weight loss came control issues and an addiction to being thin. I'd felt chubby and ugly all my life and somehow fitting into a size 2 made me feel 'normal' - seeing all my ribs and hip bones made me feel pretty. And while my semester was rapidly getting away from me, one thing I could control was what I ate. Believe me, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't label it an eating disorder until I was out of college - at least, I didn't admit that's what it was. I just thought that I wanted to be thin 'like all the popular girls.' Even when I hit 95 lbs, I didn't think I was thin enough. I've always been pear shaped and somehow that made me feel fat, even though looking back at pictures of us all I was much bonier than any of the girls I wanted to be just like. But such is the nature of the beast.

At my lowest point I was eating 500 calories a day - though not all at once, so no one would notice how little I ate. Even after I was married and officially an 'adult' I was still only eating 900 calories on a good day and spending plenty of time on pro-ana sites. Sites with such 'good advice' as "drink lots of ice water so you'll burn calories warming up" and "if you're about to pass out, eat a peppermint, it'll give you a hit of sugar and quell your cravings." Advice that I followed frequently. As anyone who's ever skipped a meal (or 3) will tell you, hunger is miserable. I thought that being thin would make me happy, but constantly starving like that made me insanely cranky and depressed. I'm really surprised my roomates didn't kick me out in college.

Finally, I became pregnant with my first child. The childbirth class we took put us on a strict (healthy) diet and I began to remember what it felt like to be healthy and full. And I loved it. No more dizzy spells, no more crankiness, no more abject depression. I needed energy to keep up with my kids. These days I definitely eat. I'm even struggling to lose weight. But it's a hard hard process because, though I'm healthier now, there's a part of me that knows how to do it the 'easy way' - the way that will get me exactly what I want and make me miserable in the process. So I generally try to stay away from the old websites and, as much as possible, not surround myself with images of super skinny models. Because I'm well now and there's no going back.

Well, that's my warning - to myself and to anyone else who might be tempted to lose weight 'the easy way.' In short, just don't do it. It's not worth it. Of course supermodels never smile - being too thin made me cranky, too :p

11 Week Challenge: Week 10

Week 10: Avoid Sneaky Pitfalls

Well, we're almost done. How have you been doing? Lost any weight? Sadly, I've only managed to lose about 3 lbs. On the otherhand, these sneaky pitfalls are what keep getting me down. This week we are working on avoiding negative thinking, and getting in our exercise even when we don't feel like it.

There isn't much to expound upon here - the only tips the article mentions are keeping on hand a list of 10 things you love about yourself that you can reference when you're having a 'fat day' and forcing yourself to work out for just 5 minutes even when you don't want to (often that 5 minutes will turn into a whole workout session).

The biggest goal for this week is simply to keep up the good work. Lets look back over the last 9 weeks' challenges and get re-focused. And don't forget to have fun whenever you can!

Why Star Trek Made Me Rethink

If you were paying attention to my earlier posts, you noticed that I have a bit of a problem with setting realistic goals. I find a 'body model' and work toward it - until I find a 'better' one and then another and another until my expectations are totally unrealistic and I'm down on myself again because I'm not thin enough or pretty enough or bony enough or..... Despite my noble goals, here I am again.

I also mentioned that media is my nemesis when it comes to self image. Hubby and I have been watching Star Trek: Enterprise lately and, of course, it's full of impossibly thin and gorgeous women. And, of course, I found myself desiring very much to look just like Subcommander T'Pol:


Note the jutting hipbones and itty bitty ribcage. Even if I ate nothing, ever, I could never look like that. Then we saw an episode which required said officer to remove her shirt and hubby exclaimed "ew, you can see all her bones!" As in, he doesn't find waiflike attractive. And I thought to myself - then what on earth am I setting myself up for?

And thinking back to my earliest posts and my earliest goals I realized how wrong I've gotten it lately. I've been trying to hit a certain weight, squeeze into ancient clothes, look like super-skinny celebrities. But not that long ago my primary goal was "get healthy, get fit" - what happened? It dawned on me yesterday that I'm already a couple pounds under my pre-pregnancy #3 weight. So what if I'm not college weight again - I shouldn't be that thin anymore - and a mommy of 3 really shouldn't have anything skin-tight, cropped or supershort in her wardrobe anyway. So, I'm getting back to my original goals - more working out, healthier eating, better sleep - and whatever shape I wind up, that's what shape I'm meant to be. Besides, all the other Star Trek chicks are sporting this look - and I could totally pull that off right now :)

11 Week Challenge: Week 9

Did you remember to measure your portions last week? I did and I didn't - but I'm getting better about it. And speaking of spotty performance, here is this week's challenge.

Week 9: Stay Positive

We all have bad days (or weeks), but the key to not blowing things entirely is to stay positive. If you have a slip up, learn from it and move on! Some ways the article recommends keeping a positive attitude include giving yourself a break (take a hot bath, getting a facial, seeing a movie), buddying up (getting freiends and family to cheer you on or help you out), and practicing optimism (it will get easier, you will do better).

So even if you eat three portions of dinner, make a cake (and eat it all) or just skip the gym for a night - it's ok. Try again the next day and don't get discouraged! This is a little easier said than done for me given that we're on week 9 and I have only lost 3 lbs (maybe) but I can only get better (and thinner) from here :)

New Shoes/ Pacing

I think I was a sprinter in a past life. When I head out the door for a run, all I want to do is take off as fast as I possibly can. Too bad I can't keep that up for long. In my previous post I mentioned my struggle with pace and its leading to a very short first run. Well, this weekend I tried for run #2 and ran almost a whole mile straight! Doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's major progress. I ran 9/10 of mile #1 and then walked 9/10 of mile # 2 meaning I got in a whole mile run (and a whole mile walk) which is pretty decent after not working out for 4 years. The key was, apparently, to jog slower than I can walk. But I kept going and only had to walk that tiny stretch. I also set short distance goals for myself (I just have to make it to that house over there - ok, now I'm going to go to that tree...etc).

Also in my corner was the fact that I finally finally got new sneakers. Why oh why have I not done this sooner!? I had no idea what a difference having real, proper running shoes could make. I've been living in my same cheapo sneakers for the last 5 years and they were seriously falling apart. No wonder my feet were dying by the end of every workout. I finally got it together and went to First Gear (where all my exercize savy friends go) and was so impressed! As soon as I walked in the door they told me to remove my shoes and walk to the back of the room. They then not only told me I'd been wearing the wrong size all this time (so that's why my toes are always bruised) but proceeded to bring out several of the comfiest pairs of shoes I've ever put on. They were light and cushy and breatheable and had some real arch supports in them (take that Dr. Scholl's). I even noticed immediately that the shoes corrected all the problems with my gait that were putting so much stress on my ankle, knee and hip. Hooray! I am so excited about some (relatively) pain free workouts. I wound up with a fanstastic (albeit $$) pair of Brooks sneakers - goodbye Sketchers, hello comfy!

Run Run As Fast As You Can

mmmm. Gingerbread. But sweets are not what I'm talking about. Last night I went for my first run in about 4 years. Before kids I was in ok shape. I was certainly not an athlete, but I could walk forever and could run well over a mile without stopping. Well - last night I made it a half mile (of which I walked at least 1/3) and nearly blacked out as I was coming back into the house. Oops. In part I blame the fact that I was running at night (which scares me silly) so I was going too fast. I know that pace is super important, especially in the beginning so I'll either have to get used to my neighborhood at dark (it's actually very safe and cozy - lots of people out walking tiny dogs) or find another time to run. And my hope is that tomorrow I'll be able to get fitted for some new work-out shoes. 'Cause these ancient cheapo Sketchers I've been wearing forever are totally worn out and killing my feet (even with a nice pair of Dr. Scholl's inside). So I've had a pretty humiliating begining to my running career, but as they say - I have no where to go but up.

Biggest Loser

Well, today I had my first weigh-in for our play-group's Biggest Loser competition. I seriously doubt I'll win given that I've been stuck at the same weight for ages, but I thought that if a (very small) sum of money was at stake, I might find more motivation to try. We're allowed to use any method except diet pills - so I guess I'll keep up the calorie counting (which I've been bad about the last few days) and working out and see what happens. They're judging by percentage lost, so I guess everyone's got a shot. We're going for 10 weeks weighing in every 2 weeks to make sure no one is "cheating" or losing too much too fast (this is supposed to be a healthy competition). Wish me luck! I'm really gonna need it. Maybe I'll finally get my chubby tush out for a run tonight....

Lent

Though I'm not Catholic, I've attempted to honor Lent most years. In High School I dutifully gave up chocolate every single Lent. And by the end of the first week I invariably forgot all about my resolution and caught myself eating a Kit Kat at break or a cookie at lunch. Oops. Then I would feel horrible shame and remorse and get down on myself and abandon the whole deal and stuff myself full of the chocolate. This pattern repeated every Lent (with the possible exception of my FB fast one year) every year until last year. I finally decided that honoring the spirit of mourning and suffering temptation just wasn't the way to celebrate my Lord if it meant that ultimately I'd wind up hating myself and distancing myself from Him because I was 'too weak.' So I've changed up my meaning of Lent just a little. I now use the time to add something healthy to my routine so that I can celebrate the life He gave me and renew my focus on Him. Not only do I try to increase the amount of time I spend in His word, this year I am attempting to adopt a fitness related change. The goal is to take up running. However, I have notoriously bad knees/ankle/hip so this will only work if I can a) find some amazing shoes and b) take it slowly enough not to injure myself from the get-go. And I'll probably die on the way to my first mile I'm so out of shape. But something inside of me craves a run now and then and I'm in desperate need of some cardio - so here goes. I hope to get out to get my shoes by sometime next week and in the meantime I'm attempting to add another Turbokick class to my week. Wish me luck and please feel free to leave any running tips you might have - I'm a total newbie and know nothing at all. Happy Lent to you all!!

11 Week Challenge: Week 8

How did you do on strengthening your resolve? I'll confess, I haven't yet set out my motivators (I blame lack of time and a tricky printer :p). Though this weekend somewhat revolved around a brand new motivator that should keep me going for a while. We shall see. Anyway, this week we are dealing with the "eyes were bigger than my tummy" phenomenon.

Week 8: Eat Proper Portions.

The gist of this week's challenge is learning what a portion size really looks like. I have a nasty habit of 'guesstimating' what a portion really is - and when I finally do measure my food I'm shocked at how much I overshot. Or, conversely I'm amazed at how much a tablespoon of something really is. Either way, since I'm calorie tracking, I need to be pretty precise with how much I'm really eating. So - this week's goal is to measure everything. Find out how much a cup of peas really is. Or an ounce of cheese (this one gets me every time). Until we can reliably eyeball a portion on a regular basis, we'll measure every food item we eat (or as many as we can - you don't have to haul the food scale to a restaurant).

A couple other tips the article recommends - eating without distraction so you know how much is going into your mouth, and splitting a meal with a friend when out to eat (or asking for half of it to go right off the bat). And don't forget to read the nutritional labels! Not only do we have to know how much a cup of cereal is, we also have to know how many cups of cereal comprise a serving. If 1/2 cup of cereal is only 80 calories but we usually eat 3 servings - that's definitely something to look out for!

Best of luck! I highly recommend keeping a food journal, even if you're not calorie counting. It's amazing to look back at the end of the day and see how much you've really eaten (5 cups of starch but only 2 cups of fruit? Oops, better readjust!) Happy measuring.

The Aftermath

Something that I consider a bit of a triumph lately is my newly emerging ability to think beyond the immediate pleasures of eating certain foods to the short term effects they'll have on my body. Long term consequences aren't a great motivator for me. The "you could be diabetic some day" argument doesn't really get me to put down the pudding cup. But when I look at the sweets in my fridge I occasionally find myself thinking "you'll be up all night" or "maybe it's the chocolate that's making you depressed" or "remember, too much sugar makes you itchy." And then it's much easier to simply walk away - or at least swap the junk food for a handful of sweet grapes. The more I am mindful that junk food really does make me feel like junk (that mac'n'cheese coma is not a good thing), the easier it is to choose the foods that I know will make my body feel amazing. And I'm fine with an occasional serving or two of carbs or a cookie now and then - I actually feel better when I have a very limited amount of 'bad stuff' - but really overindulging always leaves me feeling sick. And these days I need all the energy and health I can muster to keep up with my life. It's an ongoing process and sometimes I remember mid-snack - or not at all - and wind up paying for it later on. But I'm leaning, and that's progress, and I'm pleased.

Cookies Are Not Quality Time

I've been flying solo as the parent at home this week - and if anyone knows me well, you know that I don't do 'alone' with grace. I get hideously stressed out when I have to be on my own (even with three kids in the house, I still feel alone). And when I'm stressed, I like to 'treat' myself. Which this week took the form of a big batch of chocolate chip cookies. I told myself I was doing something special for my kids because their world was pretty lonely, too (my middle child has been waking up crying for Daddy every night). But when I really stopped to think about it, I was shocked to realize what I was teaching my kids. I was teaching them that the way to soothe sadness and stress is with lots and lots of empty calories. My kids didn't need cookies, they needed cuddles. Giving them sweets was not making up for my lack of personal attention. In all my efforts to 'get it all done' I haven't been setting aside enough time just for them. And I thought to myself - wouldn't it be wonderful if my kids grew up associating the word "treat" not with desserts but with extra hugs, snuggling up with a good book or a lively romp around the back yard. I want my kids to beg for Mommy's time, not her baking. And I think, really, when they're screaming "cookie cookie" they really would be just as happy sitting on Mommy or Daddy's lap coloring instead. So my goal for the future is to spend more time playing with the kids and less time baking for them. And to work on my own perception of what a 'treat' is - maybe I can splurge on a massage once Daddy is home or, at the very least, take a nice hot bath once all the kiddos are in bed. Those are much healthier choices than a pile of sugar and just as satisfying and relaxing. Hopefully, if I work hard enough, even I will learn to associate "treat" with quality time and not sugary foods instead.