Love That Feeling

Ok, so I was going to write this post yesterday but Blogger has been down. Booo. Today is an aberration where I feel just awful! But, given that I almost blacked out walking 1.5 miles last night, I think I'm getting sick. I've felt hit-by-a-truck awful all day (cranky, shaky, queasy) BUT as I said, this isn't actually typical of how I've been feeling lately at all. Here's what I was going to say yesterday:

For the last 4 years, and especially the first 4 months postpartum this last time, I've been on a nasty blue streak. It got so bad toward the end of month 3 p.p. that I actually considered seeking out counseling. But just as I was making up my mind to make the call, I snapped out of it. Just like that. I partly blame all that depression on the crazy roller-coaster I put my hormones on having 3 babies in 3 years. I never gave myself time to re-balance and fully heal before I was pregnant again. Not to mention the fact that I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept through the night in the last 4 years. Add that all up and you get one doozy of a bad mood.

I'm sure, though, that a large contributing factor to my awful moods was my health - particularly my diet. I was one of those silly pregnant women who used my growing bump as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. "Oh, no one will notice the extra pounds," I'd tell myself. "Besides, I'm eating for two." When I should have been eating even cleaner to give my babies the best nutrients possible and fuel my body for one heckuva long journey, I was stuffing it full of chocolate and ice cream and other comfort foods to combat the hideous fatigue I felt while growing one baby and simultaneously chasing another. By the end of pregnancy #3 I was 60 lbs heavier than pre-kids (and only about 12 of that was baby and accompanying stuff) and just the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was exhausting enough to make me cry.

Well, right around the 4 month mark, I decided that it was time to lose the weight and start eating better. And for the most part, I did. And *surprise* that's about the time I started to feel happier, too. I don't think it really hit home for me, though, till we started our big diet 2 weeks ago. Suddenly I was joyful in the morning. I felt energized despite the lack of sleep (and didn't even crave the chocolate to get me through the day anymore). And I was soooo much calmer and more relaxed with the kids. Not to mention that despite the fact that I have 13 lbs till I hit my goal weight, I finally finally kinda feel pretty again. It's silly that I need to 'feel pretty' to be confident again (and, frankly, I don't know if it's feeling good about how I look that makes me feel happy, or if happiness and thinness are both just products of being healthier), but it helps.

Maybe I can just say that I feel more 'normal' lately - I feel like 'myself' again which I haven't in a long long time. I've even found myself getting back into music I used to like and watching old tv shows I used to like and occasionally get a glimpse of who I am as a single entity instead of being stuck in 'wife mother super busy housekeeper who am I again" mode constantly. We'll just say that I feel balanced. And blessed. Even when my kids are grinding watermelon into the carpet or getting into (joyful) screaming matches or pelting me with Hotwheels. I still want to pause time right here and savor the moment. Which, considering that very recently I was counting the days till the baby started pre-school, is a HUGE step for me.

I'll confess - today I did some yelling. Today I was cranky. Today I didn't eat quite as well as I should have. But, today I am sick. In general, I am feeling really, truly amazing and I am so grateful. I LOVE this feeling and I am thanking God every day for restoring it. And I'm praying that I use it productively - to motivate myself to continue this healthy lifestyle - to use my extra energy playing with my kids - to really take the time to savor the moment. Because before I know it, baby girl WILL be in pre-school and I know I will miss all the chaos. At least, I'll miss this kind of chaos :)

Sorry for all the rambling. I guess it's just my roundabout way of saying that I'm finally learning that if I take care of myself first, I'll be so much better able to take care of everyone else. Here's hoping I can keep it up! Because this is so great!

The Big Diet

As I said in my last post, what you eat can really influence how you feel. So hubby and I have started our big 3 week eat clean diet. At first, it seemed insane and really daunting - but the longer we're on it, the better I'm feeling. I noticed that after day 4 a lot of issues I'd been having (nasty raw itchy skin, insomnia, sluggishness and crankiness) have virtually disappeared. I still suspect that I'm allergic to chocolate (or maybe sugar?) since I have hideous withdrawal every time I stop eating it and I think that's where a lot of my symptoms are coming from. I guess we'll see. We will be doing this diet for 3 weeks with a 'splurge' at the end, but we're hoping to make it more of a lifestyle, only treating ourselves one meal a week instead of all the time. So, here are the basics of the diet:

For three weeks, we will eat only the following:

Fruits and veggies: unlimited
Eggs: 2/day
Peanut butter: 2 tbsp/day (or 1-2 oz nuts)
Hummus and salad dressing: 1 tbsp each/day
olive or coconut oil, soy sauce: few tsp for sauteeing
whole grains: small amounts
beans: small amounts
spices: unlimited
water and tea: unlimited

What we can't eat:
chocolate, sugar, dairy, refined grains (bread, pasta, cereal, cookies, etc), meat

At the end of the three weeks, we have 3 hours to eat as much of our 'splurge' (right now I'm thinking mac'n'cheese and chocolate cake - originally we were thinking candy) as we can. And then we'll stop and freeze whatever is left.

As an incentive to be good, every time we 'cheat' on the diet we lose 5-30 minutes (depending on the size of the cheat - a cookie is 5 min, a BBQ lunch is 30) from our final splurge. To earn time back, we have to work out (1 mile walked/run = 5 minutes back, 1 situp/pushup/etc = 1 second back).

Ideally in the end we'll continue the diet eating well Monday-Saturday afternoon. Saturday nights will be our 'splurge' nights (within reason of course) and Sundays we eat at Grandma's so we'll do the best we can, but treats are ok there too. We're trying to walk/run 3 miles every night and do strength stuff every other night as a habit (once we get our basement back it should be a breeze to work out to Star Trek again).

And like I said - I can't believe how amazing I feel! I've already lost a few pounds (my scale stinks so much it's debatable how much) and I feel not only thinner, but more energetic and like my whole body is functioning more smoothly. Even my skin is clearing up. Woohoo! I don't crave things like I did anymore (yes I was drooling over the cookies on Sunday, but I was able to stop at just a couple instead of eating the whole plateful and still felt satisfied - and I did 'run off' my time). So I'm very excited about the prospect of a healthier lifestyle.

That said, I'm terrible at cooking on a primarily produce diet (it'll be easier after the 3 weeks when I get all my condiments back). So if anyone has any super yummy vegan/non-dairy vegetarian recipes they want to share, I'm all ears :) (We have found that frozen-fruit-though-the-juicer ice cream is not only a very satisfying dessert, but is about the only thing we can actually get our kids to eat on this diet - so we've been eating a TON of that and I'm really surprised how well it satisfies even my ravenous sweet tooth :D )

Oooof

I've learned a lot this week about food and how it makes you feel. Hubby has been in Mexico all week, I have been really stressed (as happens when I'm alone all day with the kids), and the weather has been dreary. Not to mention I received a mountain of Easter candy last week. And I cherish my hot cocoa and mini-marshmallow snacks with my son. Stress = constantly eating the overabundant candy (I finally put it in the freezer) and daddy gone = cashing in a bunch of giftcards to restaurants so I don't have to cook (and so we could stay on budget). Which meant I've been loading my body up with chocolate and nachos and cheesy dip and mousse (and a salad and french onion soup and TONS of veggies at lunch, but still...) and I feel awful! I didn't realize how healthily we usually eat until I've eaten terribly all week. My stomach hurts and I feel bloated and disgusting. Not to mention I've been too tired to work out (though I got in 20 minutes tonight). I'm fairly sure I've gained back every last ounce I lost (and then some) and really can't believe some people eat like that all the time! So - I've given myself permission to eat whatever I want until Sunday night (I've got Mom's Night Out full of snacks on Sat. night) and then for the next three weeks we're on modified detox at our house. Hubby challenged me to 2 weeks of eating nothing but fruits and veggies - rewarding our success at the end with all the candy and/or cakes we can eat in an hour. Sounded like fun but I've modified it to 3 weeks of fruits, veggies, whole grains plus some peanutbutter or nuts and an egg each day (just so I don't miss out on protein) and beans. That should clean out my system and get me back in shape. And, it should help me finally lose some weight for the last 3 weeks of my biggest loser competition. I have no hope of winning, but I'd like not to come in dead last (fatter than I started!!) And I'm hoping to start going back to turbokick at least once if not twice a week and I'd really love to head back to Saturday yoga - but it's just so hard to fit all that in when we have so little time together in the evenings in the first place. I at least need to start burning some serious calories on the elliptical at night. One way or another I need to get this heart pumping.

Soooo, I guess that's the rundown for now - wish me luck, I've got to get out of this funk. Cannot wait till it's watermelon season - I could live on that stuff :)

Pride

So, I'm a prideful person. It's a huge flaw I have and something I struggle with all the time. And it's part of what makes this weight loss journey so hard. That being said - my "now" picture over there is really bugging me. It makes me look way more huge than I really am (thanks big, billowy shirt) and so I'm going to post a picture of what I really look like. Frankly, I think I look 'ok' most days - with the right jeans and a nice long shirt I look a little lumpy, but not really 'fat' perse. In fact, I might even stop worrying about weight loss altogether - except that most of my clothes still don't fit and it's almost swimsuit season (cue ominous music). So I'll keep it up. But for the sake of not being hideously embarrassed, here's me at 128 lbs or so - messy room, dirty mirror and all...

Stress Makes Me Fat

When I was in college, I dealt with stress by food restricting. I was stressed, I'd stop eating and take a walk. Now when I get stressed, I head straight for the mac'n'cheese. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in 3.5 years. That's a slight exaggeration, but I could probably count on two hands the number of times it's happened. The last few weeks I've been averaging 4-5 broken hours of sleep a night. I'm a wreck. I'm angry and mean and cranky and exhausted. I can't work out because I barely have enough energy to lift my limbs. And all I want to do is eat enough mac'n'cheese to put myself in a coma and then hibernate for a month. Of course, I can't do that - someone has to watch the kids all day and then get up with them when they wake up all night. And as much as hubby helps, it's mostly on me to do. I am so burned out I literally spend all day dreaming about being on a tropical beach somewhere - alone. And in the meantime I soothe myself with the mac'n'cheese I was saving for hubby's next business trip when I would be really tired and not have time to cook (so now I have to find time to make a few things for the freezer since I ate up my easy-food stock) and chocolate chip cookies that I once again baked as a treat for my kids (aka for myself and then regret it because my kids eat some and go bonkers from the sugar). I'm back up to 130 lbs after a couple of weeks at 126. I'm stressed out, I'm frustrated, I'm tired of being fat, but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. And I don't see it getting better any time soon. Which makes it even harder to deal with. I keep telling myself they'll grow out of it, but frankly, I doubt they will. My 3 year old sleeps worse now than he did when he was little, and his siblings are headed in that direction. And short of putting them all in their beds and then checking myself into a hotel, nothing is going to change. So anyway, whine groan complain this is my excuse for keeping myself fat even though I know better. It's just easier that way. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go comfort a crying baby and try to stop two toddlers from peeing on the floor....

What the Good Book Says

As you all know, I've been really struggling with self-image lately. I'm constantly surrounded by these images of perfect, skinny, gorgeous models and actresses and it makes me feel awful about myself. Never mind that they're all airbrushed, have personal trainers, and didn't pop out 3 kids in as many years. It just makes me feel bad. And maybe I'm just starting to realize that I'm almost 30 and it's "all down hill from here" (which is also ridiculous), but I've been kinda obsessed lately with what I 'used to be.' What I used to be - thinner, prettier, more self absorbed, my priorities WAY out of whack, unhappy, insecure.... I think it's time to give my whole weight-loss journey a good ol' infusion of biblical principle. So - here are some of my favorite verses pertaining to the issue:

1 Timothy 2:9-10

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

1 Peter 3:1-4

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Proverbs 11:22

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

Matthew 5:28

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So what is my real goal in becoming thinner again? Is it to make men stumble? To garner praise for myself? To overcompensate for a lack of inner beauty? The only man who matters already thinks I'm beautiful. I am not deserving of praise - that belongs to the Lord. And if I feel lacking in spiritual riches I need to spend as much time in my Bible as I do on the treadmill. The whole point of my (often faltering) fitness regime was to make this body that the Lord has given me a more productive tool for His work. It is not to gain glory for myself. Therefore I need to focus less on how I appear on the outside (without, of course, neglecting hygiene and fashion entirely) and focus more on being beautiful on the inside (kind, patient, gentle, generous...). That will bring me far greater joy than squeezing into a size 2 again and will bring much greater glory to the Lord. But sometimes, I just need a little reminder...

11 Week Challenge: Week 12

Ok, so clearly I got a little busy and missed last week. I hope that things are still going well for everyone. I have good days and bad days -lately lots of bad days. Too much eating out, not tracking calories, no workouts for a few days. Oops. Really wanted to turbo tonight but managed to twist a vertebra in my neck so I think I'll be icing my shoulder instead. Boo. And I had Panda Express (hello calories!) for lunch and am making spaghetti for dinner - oh well - tomorrow is another day. Anyway, here we go:

Week 11(12): Keep up the good work

This week is all about maintenance. Have a look back at the previous 10 weeks of advice and tweak anything you've slacked off on. Come up with a plan to keep it up. Have you lost any weight during the 12 weeks? I think I've shed about 3 lbs - which is something, I guess. Not gonna win the Biggest Loser competition, but that's ok.

So, how did you do? Did you at least attempt all 11 weeks? If so, leave me a comment and you'll be entered into that giveaway I mentioned. Best wishes for a happy weight loss journey from here on out!!